


Utmost Good Faith

by ladyptarmigan



Series: Insurance Protocols [3]
Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Adora and Catra work that shit out, Can be read standalone, Catra (She-Ra) Redemption, Catra rolls into Brightmoon with no coping skills, Catra v Glimmer best frenemies, F/F, Found Family, Part 3 of series, Team Mom Queen Angella, and finds a place to belong, catradora, no sad only happy, oh wait not platonic!bedsharing, our babies learn some relationship skills!, platonic!bedsharing, trauma coping and recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-20
Updated: 2019-12-21
Packaged: 2020-12-24 12:21:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 28,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21099389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladyptarmigan/pseuds/ladyptarmigan
Summary: Catra was an artist of destruction. She couldn’t think of a single thing she valued that she hadn’t betrayed, at one time or another: the Horde, her friends, the world itself, any sense of ethics or morality, Adora.Stuck in Brightmoon, mistrusted and surrounded by do-gooders, she felt more alienated than ever. Her and Adora were together again, but what did that mean when they were both so changed? There was only one way forward, if she wanted her friend back. For the first time in her life, she would have to learn how to build.[Catra redemption arc part 3]





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all! You thought this series was dead, didn't you?!? Lawl. I got about 2/3 through the rough draft and went through a weird drastic growth spurt in my writing process where I read a ton but couldn't do anything with my own work. Coming back was difficult, but I managed to limp through the rough draft. There are still things I wish I did better, but it's fun and I would rather share it for people to enjoy than flail about in perfectionism lol. So, I hope you get as much of a kick out of disaster bae learning some people skills as I do!

* * *

_  
Utmost good faith is a legal doctrine governing insurance contracts which stipulates that the insurer and the proposer have the obligation to deal honestly and openly amongst themselves in the negotiations that lead up to the formation of the contract. _

_ It is defined as firm adherence to promises made, and complete trust in the fidelity of the other._  
  


* * *

  
The Whispering Woods were a more difficult obstacle than she expected. The knotted, twisting trees were so thick with foliage and creeping fungal growth that Catra could barely see the sky; she couldn’t even find East at sunrise with confidence. Her prefered method of navigation, taking direction from the stars, was laughably out of the question.

The group behind her, citizens of Alwyn displaced by the Horde, weren’t worried yet. They chatted amiably as they walked, ribbing Catra about whether they were lost and arguing about what foods they wished they were eating. They just assumed she knew where she was going.

Catra knew something they didn’t: they should have arrived at Brightmoon already. They should have gotten there yesterday, in fact.

The forest had turned them around.

She had thought, with pure intentions and innocent travelers in tow, that she’d be granted passage. She knew there was some kind of magic bullshit involved with the Whispering Woods. She’d gone so far as to ask nicely, muttering ‘please please just let us through you fucking forest’ to a low hanging branch on their first day in the woods. That wasn’t much of a magic spell, though, and every day her uncertainty grew.

Was she going the right way? Were they going to reach Brightmoon at all?

What would she even do when they got there? Would Adora want anything to do with her? Could she stand it, being relegated to just another member of the friend squad? 

Did she deserve any better than that?

_ Fuck. What had she been thinking? _

The thin curl of panic in her stomach coalesced into pounding nausea. Out in the wider world, everything felt so clear. She had known her place, her purpose, and where she was meant to go. Now everything was a mess again. The closer she got to Adora, the more doubt crushed her. Nothing could just _ be simple._

Her hands curled into fists and beneath the panic, a peculiar sort of anger bubbled up.

She broke off from the group and went a little way into the forest, just far enough to be alone. Scowling, she whirled around and glared at the picturesque nature scene surrounding her.

“Remember me?” she growled, launching herself at the biggest tree she could find.

With a ferocious wrench, she flung an arm out and slashed four lines into the bark of the tree. 

“You’ve got the nerve to be mad at _ me_? You’re the one who took her away! You led Adora to her mystic destiny, but I didn’t want any of this. I just wanted _ her_, so this is all your fault!” her voice rose until she was almost shouting.

Then she kicked the same tree, half heartedly.

“What? Nothing to say?”

Now she just felt like an idiot.

Her anger deserted her in a rush, and she was alone and afraid. People were depending on her. She couldn’t fail, not when they were so close.

Rocking back on her heels, she tipped her head back to look up through the canopy of the trees.

“I give up, okay,” she said, quieter. “I admit it. I’m cutthroat and selfish and I don’t deserve her. She’s She-Ra because she wants to protect everyone and I was only looking out for myself. I should’ve seen the truth sooner, but I only cared to look when it all went wrong for me.”

She ran her fingers against the slashes she had left in the tree. “But I miss her. I just want to see her again. So please. Give me this one chance.”

If she wasn’t listening for it, she wouldn’t have heard anything. But something whispered through the forest, somewhere between a sigh and a creak. Behind her the voices of the villagers came into focus, closer than they should have been.

All of a sudden, she knew they wouldn’t have any more trouble, that the whole group would walk straight through the forest and directly into Brightmoon. She wouldn’t have to navigate, or worry about what direction they were traveling in.

They just had to go forward.

* * *

The whole group made it before nightfall.

The trees thinned, revealing a grand collection of spires and towers that glowed golden in the sunlight. Gasps and exhausted cheers sounded from behind her; the whole group was well ready to be done with their long journey.

Zak darted forward to nudge her shoulder, grinning. 

“Check that place out!”

Catra smirked at him. “I’m not sure they’ll let you in until you take a bath.”

“No,” he shouted dramatically, rubbing a hand through matted, tight-knit curls.

She laughed and rolled her shoulders, stretching restlessly.

It was time for the reckoning. Her throat was tight and full of cotton; she didn’t feel nearly ready to explain what she was doing here. The last time she’d been at this place she was attacking it. Now she was going to march in and ask for sanctuary? Not just for her. She had sucked Scorpia and Entrapta into this as well. 

At least she wasn’t alone. This wasn’t just three Horde soldiers showing up, with the refugees she had a chance. Besides, Adora wouldn’t let them toss her out. 

It was her threat of last resort.

_ They need She-Ra, and She-Ra needs… fuck. _

She cut herself off with a curse. She-Ra needed her like she needed a hole in the head. She was banking on Adora’s goodwill, and… Queen Angella’s goodwill.

She was so fucking dead.

_ Yeah, I kidnapped your daughter and attacked your home, no problem, let me just slide on over, Adora and I have some things to catch up on. _

Catra shook her head. She was coming with a quarter of the village she had personally saved from the Horde. She had a shot. She had to have a shot.

She took a deep breath, and settled herself. She had been alone, and had nothing, and she could do it again. Even the worst wouldn’t mean the end of her.

“Let’s go,” she said, motioning back towards the group.

At a glance, she could tell Scorpia was nervous. Entrapta was as indifferent as ever, fiddling with some contraption in her lap. The rest just looked happy to be out of the woods.

They made their way to the narrow bridge and climbed up, filing towards the gates of the castle. Two guards stood beside the entrance, looking at them with confusion.

One puffed out his chest, clearly about to shout something like ‘Halt!’ or ‘You need to make an appointment’, then froze upon recognizing her. Both of the guards eyed her warily as the group walked by, but made no move to stop them apart from some sort of hand signal. They must have realized they couldn’t do more than slow her down, and sent word ahead.

Catra strolled through the doors at the front of the odd procession, outwardly a woman without a care in the world. It was a too glib, she knew it would be transparent to someone like Queen Angella, but it was the best she could do.

The great hall opened up in front of her as soon as they were through the main doors. However strapped the rebellion had gotten in past years, none of it showed in this room. It was obvious the understated elegance of it was a stylistic choice, not a limitation in the quality of the materials. Every inch of the hall was marble slab with gleaming silver inlay. The dignified corridor expanded into a vast, long room with widely spaced pillars terminating at a dias with a throne. 

On that throne sat a woman with sheer, tapering wings.

Catra’s fingers trembled. She dug her thumbs into the hem of her pants, fixing what she hoped was a less obnoxious than normal smirk on her face as she walked.

Once they were within a few feet of the dais, the villagers all went into some sort of bow. She wished she could imitate it, she hadn’t meant to start the conversation on such a contrary note, but the only courtesies she knew were military.

She should’ve asked before they got there, damn it.

Queen Angella gave her a chilly glare, clearly recognizing her, but scanned the rest of the crowd with more even handed contemplation. She gave nothing else away except a flicker of surprise at Entrapta’s presence, her gaze darting back to Catra again.

The silence hung heavily, and she swallowed when she realized the Queen would not speak first. Catra was the supplicant, not this intimidating woman, and she wouldn’t give the slightest advantage away.

She tensed as she struggled desperately for the words to introduce herself. 

“Is this Queen Angella?” Zak whispered loudly, voice bright with awe. He may as well have shouted, given how heavy the silence was.

She had to choke down a hysterical laugh. Breaking the tension like a champ, praise that annoying little twerp. Catra grinned, nodding fractionally at him.

“Awesome!” he exclaimed, even louder.

Around the throne, some of the guards chuckled behind their hands.

She glanced down at him, then back up at the Queen. That was the best opening she was going to get.

“Two weeks ago, I was in the village of Alwyn when the Horde attacked. The first detachment of soldiers was small, and I repulsed them without incident. This group are the survivors who decided to leave before Horde reinforcements could arrive. They’ve come here to request sanctuary from Brightmoon until their home can be liberated.”

Catra spat it all out in a rush, almost letter perfect the sort of report she would’ve given a superior officer in the Horde. It didn’t make sense in this context and she knew it sounded bizarre given the circumstances. It was the best she could do.

Queen Angella regarded her with calm intensity.

“So. Before me are thirty-odd refugees and three Horde soldiers,” one elegant eyebrow ticked up, “Or, am I to expect, former Horde soldiers?” 

“Do I actually count as being a Horde soldier? I was more a prisoner who walked around and did what she wanted,” Entrapta asked from a sitting position on the ground.

“Ah,” Catra started, then stopped. She wasn’t going to touch that.

“I’m assuming they weren’t part of the original attack. So how exactly do Scorpia and Entrapta figure into this… story,” she ended pointedly.

“They’d been looking for me, recognized my handiwork,” Catra said with confidence, but knew how flimsy it sounded.

“And they decided to defect, alongside you?”

“Yes.”

“And if I were to believe such a thing, what exactly would your intentions be in coming here?”

Before she could answer, Zak stuck his head out with a harumph. “I’d say her intentions or whatever were pretty obvious when she blew up like six tanks.”

She gave him a sideways grin, muttering “Cool it, tiger,” out of the corner of her mouth.

The Queen seemed impressed despite herself, the smallest smile tugging at her lips. A child’s loyalty may not be logical, but it was seldom wholly unearned.

She was thankful for the reprieve. What was she supposed to say? Nothing that was true sounded remotely plausible. All she had were murky resolutions and half hopes. She’d expected Adora to swoop in by now, she realized. 

She might be able to explain it to Adora. But like this? All formal and political? It was too awkward, she was too nervous to find the right words. 

“Look, we’re not here as part of some Horde plot. Can’t I just talk to Adora?” she said, desperation creeping into her voice.

“She and the others are still out on a mission,” she said, “But even if they were not, the safety of Brightmoon rests on my shoulders.” The words were firm, but something in her had softened. Her head tilted to the side, a hint of curiosity peeking through the royal facade.

Catra crossed her arms. She could barely read this woman. Was she on the verge of being tossed out? Or was the firmness all a front?

Was it time for her ‘threat of last resort’? Her ‘what will Adora do if you say no’, her ‘think of what I will do with that kind of weapon’. This wasn’t a bridge she wanted to burn, not so soon. She wanted to be different, do things differently. 

What was she, if the threat of force was all she had?

You do what works and you survive. That was the motto she had lived by. Her ears swiveled back to lie flat against her hair. Alarm skittered up and down her spine. Should she just stall for time? Say she wanted to join the rebellion and try for the best? Or follow the siren call of her more vicious instincts? 

Even Zak noticed the rising tension, giving her a nervous sideways glance.

“Look,” she opened her mouth, searching for something neutral, conciliatory, “We just…”

Her sentence was cut off by the sound of a side door opening, and a peal of youthful sounding laughter. 

Catra was frozen, ribs strained by a contained gasp, waiting to see if she was damned or saved. She didn’t dare turn to see who had entered.

She didn’t dare hope, either. Her eyes screwed shut, she couldn’t even look. Boots scuffled over the sound of mixed, indistinct chatter. A female laugh rang out, then a low chuckle, as the steps drew closer. She couldn’t pick out a specific speaker as Adora, but part of her was filled to the brim with anxious, desperate pleading.

Then, all sound stopped.

“Catra?”

The voice was soft, faint, but recognizably _ her_. 

Her throat felt tight. All air heaved out of her lungs in a fierce shudder.

“Catra—” This time her name was a half desperate shout, chased along by a rush of footsteps. 

Something collided with her, she was knocked back a little as sturdy limbs tangled with hers and her head bounced off of soft leather. She squirmed, uncertain in the darkness, filled with fear and anticipation.

Then, abruptly she was airborne. Her eyes flew open.

Adora’s blond head was buried against her chest. Strong arms were wrapped around her thighs, lifting her clear off the ground.

The force of it nearly toppled her over Adora’s shoulder. She had to catch herself, one hand clutching the collar of Adora’s jacket. She tugged at it, hand brushing against Adora’s chest. The relieved, quiet joy that swept through her was a homecoming all its own. 

_ Adora._

She would get to see Adora, and talk to her, and be around her. Every day. They wouldn’t have to fight, she wouldn't have to see those familiar eyes burn with hurt and betrayal. Beneath her, Adora pivoted on one heel, whirling them through a fast spin. 

Catra nearly laughed. Being hoisted up and waved around in triumph was not the reception she had expected. She wasn’t complaining, though.

Adora loosened her grip enough to slide Catra free, setting her back down with a sweep of her arms. But she didn’t step back, taking one of Catra’s hands in her own.

“Are you staying?” she asked, voice full of awe and hope.

Catra gave the slightest nod, chest tight.

“Come see my room,” she replied, grinning, already starting to drag her towards the door.

She followed with an incredulous chuckle, fingers tangled warmly with Adora’s. This whole day was giving her emotional whiplash. There was one last thing she needed to do, though. She turned back just long enough to throw a cheeky wave towards Queen Angella.

_ Bye_.

* * *

Glimmer laughed a little into the palm of her hand, which migrated to her forehead.

“Well. I guess that’s that,” Queen Angella said with a weary sigh. “Why don’t we focus on getting the refugees settled in the village for tonight. We’ll worry about everything else in the morning.”

Next to her, Bow waved at Scorpia.

“Hello!” he said with forced cheer.

“Uh. Hi,” Scorpia replied, waving a claw.

Glimmer looked up to make eye contact with her Mom, trying to commiserate about this whole situation, when she saw someone else.

“Wait a second… Entrapta?”

* * *

“When I first came here there was this absurd poofy bed, and I fell in and almost suffocated,” Adora rambled, a charming mix of enthusiasm and awkwardness.

Catra allowed herself to be led around the room as Adora pointed at objects and told stories. As a bedroom it seemed oddly empty, lacking any personal touch that spoke to Adora’s personality. She wondered if it was old Horde habits or some other difficulty.

“I still don’t know what the fountain is for, by the way. Everyone just laughs whenever I ask.”

She watched Adora, tracing her wild path around the room with fondness.

“How’ve… you been?” she asked, finally daring to broach the topic of Catra’s presence.

“Ah,” she bit out, uncertain how to answer.

The silence went on too long. Adora flinched, drawing back with a breath.

“Unless you don’t want to talk about that in which case we can talk about something else? Or I can just… talk…” she trailed off.

Adora seemed different, but so much the same. It was jarring and wonderful all at once. 

Catra grinned over at her, a flash of fang but with more softness than she’d like to admit.

“I’ve missed you,” Adora said, soft and sure. 

And that was Adora, wasn’t it? Brave enough to reach her hand out again and again, brave enough to be bitten and knocked around and still keep trying.

They were so different. 

She wonders now, as an adult, if they are too different. If they have hurt each other too much. Whether or not Adora started it, by now they have both turned their back on each other, have both caused more than enough damage to leave permanent harm. Yet she knew Adora was going to keep going, keep trying to plaster over it. It wasn’t right. She knew they had to talk. That she had to talk. But she doesn’t know what to say.

“I’ve missed you too,” Catra murmured. There was that, at least. That’s a truth she can’t deny.

The silence that followed hung thick. Adora’s hand twitched, like she wanted to reach out again but couldn’t quite manage it.

“Come sit down,” Adora said, patting the bed in the middle of the room. “You must be hungry, I’ll grab some food from the kitchen for you. It’ll just be a minute.”

She was already rushing out of the room, twitchy with nervous energy.

Catra grinned and shook her head before making her way to the bed. She sat heavily with a tired groan, laying flat before she could resist the impulse.

It had been a very long day.

She was asleep before Adora made it back.

* * *

In a different room, Queen Angella tapped an elegant finger against the wooden arm of a chair.

“Thank goodness, Glimmer,” she said as the door banged open. “Have you learned anything about what’s going on?”

“I didn’t manage to get the whole story. Scorpia and Entrapta were pretty tight lipped, and Catra and Adora disappeared straight away,” Glimmer replied, running a hand through her hair. “What was the deal with the crowd of civilians?”

“Apparently, their village was attacked by the Horde. Catra repelled the invaders, and agreed to bring them here.”

“Really? That doesn’t sound very…” Glimmer let the sentence trail off, reluctant to voice such an unkind suspicion, however justified it might be.

“I agree. That’s why I was hoping you had some insight.”

Glimmer sat on the bench next to her Mother with a sigh. 

“Catra was pretty serious, leaving the Horde. If she had come herself, it would be simple. But with Scorpia, and Entrapta? What are we supposed to think?”

“We are supposed to think they’ve defected, clearly. But have they?” Queen Angella asked sharply. “It seems more likely to me that Hordak sent them to make her an offer.”

Glimmer narrowed her eyes. “She’s been gone more than a year. That’s a long time to stay away, if she was just going to rejoin the Horde. And besides, what could he even have offered her?”

Angella shrugged. “Does it matter?”

“Catra was their best commander, for full on ruthless cleverness. I don’t think she’d dance to his tune again. If he sent Scorpia and Entrapta, she’s used it rather than him using her. I’d put money on it,” Glimmer sighed, crossing her arms. “My best guess? They decided to follow Catra here, whatever her goals are. Her and Scorpia were friends. That being said, this could be literally anything. Catra could be scamming them too, for all we know.”

“Do we have any idea what Catra’s agenda is? What motivates her? Surely Adora has spoken of her to you. You must have more insight into her character than I.”

“Adora doesn’t like to talk about it,” Glimmer paused. “I know they love each other, but that didn’t stop Catra before.”

“There is simply no way for us to distinguish a genuine change in allegiance from some sort of double crossing shell game. Not before Catra has learned _ far _too much sensitive intel about rebellion activities, anyway.”

Glimmer looked up at her Mom, swallowing. She knew what they needed to do. She hadn’t even said it aloud yet, and she already felt like a naive idiot.

“I think… we have to give them a chance.”

Queen Angela raised her eyebrows. 

“I can’t even,” Glimmer trailed off, “Being raised by Shadow Weaver? Mom, I met her. She was terrifying. And that was the closest thing they had to a parent? I can’t believe Adora managed to come out of it... the person that she is,” she said with a gentle, fond smile. “Even if they mess it up, or betray us, I think we have to do it. Accept them, be patient with them, take the risk. Prove we are who we say we are: the good guys.”

Angella smiled at her daughter. 

“Very well,” she replied, voice soft.

“Wah! You can’t just listen to me,” Glimmer said, wheeling her arms. 

“Listening to wise counsel is the mark of a good ruler.”

Glimmer blushed. “Well, I am your daughter, after all.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Psst come visit me on [tumblr](https://ladyptarmigan.tumblr.com/) for more nerdy fun and to see the other dumb stuff I like.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided this chapter needed a new scene like two days ago THANKS ME. I'm otherwise on track, actually I'm far enough ahead with editing we might get a week with two chapters at some point but I'm trying not to jinx myself lol. I have to be done with a rough draft to post otherwise I psyche myself out and can't write and then feel guilty and thereby never finish hahahha. This way if I get frozen I just post whatever I have on the 'due date' and say YOLO.  
I feel so weird about the new season!!!! I don't want all the characters shoved off a cliff into adulthood I want more fun friendship times!!!! Too sad too dramatic give me more fantasy fun, I knowwww I am so not the main audience for any piece of media that gets created ever but what can I say I like slow boring think pieces OKAY??? Hey at least that means you all get fanfic am I right? lol

* * *

Catra woke feeling warm and comfortable and content. For a moment, she actually thought it was a dream. This was a far cry from sleeping on the ground in a sleeping bag. She stretched with a pleased yawn, savouring the almost addictive coziness.

Then her feet ran into something. Someone.

Her eyes flew open as she took stock of the situation. Danger alarms blared before she remembered where and when she was: still in bed. In Adora’s bed. On top of the covers, but with a blanket wrapped around her. That realization brought another one crashing down in on her.

Adora was above her. Next to her. In the bed.

Adora, who had also startled awake. Alarmed blue eyes met hers, equal parts drowsy and panicked. Moments later they jerked backwards and half tumbled over the edge of the mattress, her arms cartwheeling. 

“Sorry!” Adora gasped out, “Sorry. Didn’t mean to…”

They looked at each awkwardly.

“No, no, it’s fine. I’m sorry for waking you up,” Catra said, wary. It was Adora’s bed after all, it was her own fault for falling asleep there.

“No! I should be thanking you. Early morning is the perfect time for training, yup, so let me just…” Adora motioned with an arm in a manner vaguely reminiscent of sword swinging as she clambered to her feet.

She then tottered awkwardly out of the room.

Catra sighed. _What a dunce. _

Her fist clenched in the blanket Adora must have brought her. Then, what? Climbed in next to her?

Her chest ached. That was the best she’d felt, in… a long time. She should have guessed why. The peace she’d woken with was already gone, and the cold was slipping into her bones even beneath the blankets. 

Adora could barely speak to her, except for informational tangents. She hadn’t even tried to bring up anything that had happened. They used to tell each other everything, joke and talk about nothing for hours. It just kept pulling and pulling at them, the memory of what they used to have. That was the one thing from her old life she didn’t want to let go of, even though she’d burned it down herself. Now, Adora had given her just enough hope to torture her. They were different people, they couldn’t get back what they had when they were kids. She knew that.

She looked down at the blanket in her hands, at the sparse room.

She would rebuild what she could, and accept what Adora could offer. That would have to be enough.

* * *

The rest of the day did nothing to disprove her fears. 

Adora never reappeared. She somehow found things to be busy with until dinner, as Catra was given a jaunty tour of the castle by an unnervingly cheerful Bow and shown to her new assigned quarters.

The room was nice, smaller than Adora’s but larger than she had any reason to expect. Sparse but bright, there was a possibility there, a light shone on the kind of life she could have. 

No thanks, she thought with a scowl. She’d sleep under a tree first. The gesture stank with grudging, self righteous generosity, and she didn’t really want to be asleep, vulnerable, in a location people knew and could easily find. They didn’t trust her, well she didn’t blame them. She didn’t trust them either.

Adora finally showed for dinner, for a repeat of the morning’s stilted, halting friendliness. They were joined by both Bow and Glimmer, who alternately tried to include her and forgot she was there.

Fuck, this was a bad idea, she had known it. Catra scowled at her own feet, half thinking to run off into the woods and not come back.

The next day wasn’t any different.

* * *

“So.” It was a short chop of a sentence, a start with no destination. Adora’s mouth was half open, like she hoped the rest of the sentence would fall out. It didn’t, so she stared instead and looked wretched.

Adora was trying, which Catra appreciated, but she wasn’t sure how to try back. It all felt wrong, somehow. This wasn’t going to work, and she barely knew why. She had betrayed Adora, and been betrayed herself, and grown and been alone and traveled half a continent. Adora attempting to act like nothing happened was worse than hurt or anger, like she was trying to step over the bodies of what came before. 

Not that Catra was an expert. It wasn’t like she wanted to talk about anything that happened. She didn’t know a better way and had no secret answers, that was for darn sure.

Adora kicked the ground, a small chop, just the toes of her boot scraping stone. 

“What,” she swallowed. “What’re you doing today? Any plans?”

Catra sighed, then grinned. “Nope. Harass some guards, see how Scorpia’s art is coming along.”

“Yeesh,” Adora said with a grimace. “I’d rather not see how that’s going.”

“If you had fun you won,” Catra said with a theatrical shrug.

They faced each other in the hall, trying not to fidget. This used to be the person she knew best in the world. Every plane of Adora’s face was familiar to her; the way wisps of blonde hair came loose from her ponytail to tickle at her temples and ears, how the muscles in her jaw would tense when she was angry, making her whole face look grave and determined. She had never looked at Adora and been uncertain what she was thinking or feeling, not until now.

Catra looked down and cleared her throat. “How about you?”

Before Adora could answer, the sounds of company filtered in from further down the corridor. Bow and Glimmer turned the corner already waving.

“Hey you guys!” Boy exclaimed cheerily.

Catra rolled her eyes, heaving an inward sigh of relief. If she had to make awkward conversation for another minute she would have keeled over. Not that being around Bow was much of an improvement. Bow was too fucking nice. It was the same with Adora, she’d rather be shouted at than that weird stilted friendliness. Of all the absurd facts of her life since coming here the worst, the one she would rather die than admit to, was that the easiest person to interact with was Glimmer. Of all fucking people.

They liked to piss each other off.

In a world of awkward politeness, it was a godsend. Yesterday Glimmer had tossed her over a bench, breaking both it and the plate Catra had been holding, after being extensively antagonized. 

It made her entire week. 

Everyone had stood around looking like they were going to piss their pants. The hall was dead silent, as everyone waited to see if a murder was about to go down. She’d writhed one the floor for a moment, given a fake moan of pain, then sprung up and almost died laughing at the looks on their faces. They had not appreciated the joke half as much as she did.

“Good morning,” Adora greeted.

Catra waved mockingly at the approaching goon squad members. “Hey princess.”

Glimmer scowled.

“What?” Catra asked, mouth curling into a smirk.

“Stop calling me princess! You make it sound derogatory, and it isn’t even useful for identifying people since there are like twelve princesses around now.”

“Duh. Those are _ bonuses_.”

“Argh!” Glimmer threw up her hands and stalked away down the hall.

* * *

Catra leaned up against the door, rapping with her knuckles.

“Scorpia? Anyone home in there?”

A minute later the door opened, revealing a cheerful Scorpia dressed in what looked like pajamas. Catra did a double take, then noticed the speckles of paint on the wrists and shoulders of the baggy shirt. She must have wanted to avoid dirtying her nicer clothes while painting, she realized with relief.

If Scorpia was unfashionable at noon, she would have had to raise the alarm.

Catra strolled into the room, a cheery bedroom with a stand and a variety of canvases leaning against the wall and stacked on the floor. Scorpia’s current work was on the easel, a rather bizarre landscape with a simple triangular mountain bracketed by humorously abstract trees. It looked like the creation of a mad seven year old.

“Looks good,” Catra said, tilting her head.

Scorpia grinned. “The Fright zone was pretty short on picturesque scenes. Living here, I've got tons of ideas.”

“And you’re not bored, you’re having fun?”

Scorpia paused, eyes narrowing. “I’m having fun, but also bored. I don’t know how they deal with all this, free time.”

“That was the hardest part for me, too. I didn’t realize the day was so _ long_,” she said, tilting her head back and groaning. “It takes forever to get used to deciding what you like and how long you want to spend doing what. You’ll get there. Do you like your room? Need anything?”

“Oh no, everything’s great apart from all the, awkwardness. I’m sure the rebellion just needs more time to get used to us.”

“Yeah,” Catra turned the thought over in her head. More time. She wished that would solve their problems. “Project ‘get the rebellion to overthrow Hordak’ will be slow going until they trust us more, so it’ll going to be dull for a while.”

The barrier between them and the rebellion hung tangible and obstructive, a shadow over whatever she tried to do. It floated around every whispered conversation that died when she walked near. Sometimes people actually walked off, like they'd been going somewhere. As if that wasn't transparent.

The rebellion was still angry, and so was she, truth be told.

When she looked at Bow or Glimmer, sometimes she still couldn’t hold back an instinctive ‘_you replaced me with _ this_?’ _They still saw an enemy commander in her eyes as often as they saw Adora’s friend, she was sure. That wasn’t going to just go away. She had something to prove, some dramatic gesture to make. She didn’t appreciate that either, that her word wasn’t good enough. That some battlefield action was going to say something about her that showing up at Brightmoon hadn’t.

Entrapta might have been a useful buffer, but she had almost immediately went back to her castle to get supplies and try out some new ideas. Catra didn’t have the heart to dissuade her, she’d only be bored at Brightmoon.

She was still left with quite a thorny issue, though: how to prove herself? She doesn’t even want the rebellion’s approval, the thought made her want to hurl, but unless they trusted her she was stuck. Stuck, and bored.

* * *

Catra saw Bow coming down the hall, towards her, and preemptively rolled her eyes. She could see him gearing up for a cheery smile and greeting.

“Hey, Catra!”

“Ugh,” she said, not as loud as she could have but not quiet either.

“We’re all going to hang out before the war table meeting this afternoon. Do you want to join us?”

“No thanks.” She stared at the wall rather than make eye contact. She knew what a good opportunity this was, that she should be trying to get involved as much as possible in war planning. If it hadn't been Bow, she might have managed to swallow her pride and say yes.

“It’d be great if you came, though!”

“Can you just, stop?” she asked, cutting and sharp.

“Stop what?” Bow flinched back a little, wary of the tension but with genuine confusion.

“Stop _ pretending_. Stop pretending you like me, or that you want me around. Fuck, just fucking _ stop_.” Her breath had started coming a little harder. She hadn't meant to get angry, he just grated on her so badly. Acting cheerful and welcoming all the time, like some sort of disturbed diplomatic robot.

“It isn’t like that,” he said, alarmed.

“How is it not like that? I haven’t wasted a single second being nice to you. I’ve actively attacked you before. You are not going to have a better time with me there.”

“That’s why we want to…” he tried, fighting against the current to explain.

Whatever he meant, she didn’t want to hear it. She knew she needed to split. She was twitchy and angry, with him and with herself. Jumping on him wasn’t what she’d wanted, but the kid was intolerable.

She disappeared down the hallway, tail twitching, ignoring his abortive attempts to stop her.

* * *

Catra was still thinking about the problem when it solved itself. Or, when it would have. 

Brightmoon guards were running down the hall, and she could hear shouting in the distance. They carried shields over their shoulders and brandished spears with an urgency that smelled like battle. In a fight she wouldn't have to make nice, or try and relate, or keep all her unpleasant edges shaved down. In a fight, she could just do what she did best. Catra found herself almost excited at the thought. Just getting to let off steam would be fun. Plus, nothing made friends like a battlefield.

She went down the corridor, following the guards, navigating towards the main hall. Queen Angella was shouting directives, something about a Horde attack on a village at the edge of the forest. She scanned the crowd, and caught a flash of Glimmer’s distinctive hair. Then, as she was making her way over, she saw something else. Adora. 

Not Adora, She-Ra. Strong and tall and golden, sword slung over a shoulder, grinning with ascendant confidence and poise. She wove through the crowd like the battle was already won.

Something white hot and sick sunk into her chest, and Catra almost gasped at the sudden rush of hatred. She had been feeling so much better, she’d thought she was over this; the stone she felt like she’d swallowed proved her wrong. More than Glimmer and Bow, more than the rebellion, that sword was what had stolen her friend. That hero, that destiny, she knew Adora well enough to know she could never resist something like that, that she would be drawn in at the deepest level of her character.

It was the perfect trap.

Something whispering ‘you are the magic hero, you’re meant to save everyone’? Offering that to Adora? It was over before it even started. Was that even a choice? It felt fundamentally unfair; as if it wasn't enough that it was a snare tailor made for Adora, it ripped up her own deepest insecurities too. Because of course Adora was the special one, the perfect girl with a magical destiny. 

Catra scowled, nails digging into her palm. Before she could turn and leave, Adora caught sight of her. She made her way over, that same infuriating smile on her face.

Adora’s face, but not her face. Just slightly wrong, jaw too square, hair too bright, grin too wide. It was all wrong.

Those unnatural blue eyes met hers. She felt looked down on, though whether it was a side effect of the height or the aesthetic she couldn’t tell.

“Are you coming along?” Adora asked, voice more tentative than she expected.

“No thanks. You have fun.” Her voice sounded distant and desolate, even to her.

Maybe this was why she couldn’t talk to Adora. She-Ra was a specter hanging over their every conversation, and they’d done nothing but avoid it.

“I understand,” Adora frowned, but nodded. Her face was gentle, as much as it could be. She must have thought Catra’s reticence was about fighting former comrades. 

If only.

* * *

The rebellion won the battle, of course. Though she assumed the Horde got most of what they wanted, aka destruction and disruption.

She gave them one day of peace, then started back in on her new favorite pastime: fighting with Glimmer. 

She picked a position dangling from a ceiling beam in a commonly traversed hallway, waiting for Glimmer to pass underneath. The plan was to drop down, scare the shit out of her, and slice off Glimmer’s annoying little cape. A good plan. Great even, in her own malevolently entertained opinion. She was hoping she could get Glimmer to fight her again.

She put her plan into action as soon as she was within swing range of the clueless little chit, walking down the hall without a care in the world. Letting herself swing a few times, for momentum, she launched herself backward and flipped in midair, snagging the cape as she fell. It was a partial success, she got a very validating holler of alarm and severed one side of the purple cape clear off. She missed the other side, though, one of her feet tangling in fabric as she stumbled.

Glimmer had turned around, grabbed her arm, and flung Catra over her shoulder with a shout of rage.

It was truly a thing of beauty.

“That was magnificent, sparkles,” she laughed from the ground.

“I’m going to kill you, and tell Adora it was an accident,” Glimmer said, glaring and stomping her foot. She looked a little disheveled, not quite recovered from having the shit scared out of her.

“I’d deserve it.” Catra grinned, flopping on to her back.

Glimmer had to smile at that, crossing her arms across her chest. “I can’t do that. Adora would think it was a conspiracy, and go on a crusade to find your killer.”

“Sounds like her,” she murmured.

Glimmer looked at her oddly, shoulders tensing. Her mouth opened, and she looked poised to ask an inane question like ‘Is something wrong?’. Instead she stood, brows furrowed, and waited.

Catra wanted to go back to joking. The silence weighed her down, and her thoughts were drawn back to the topic that had been hounding her. If Glimmer had looked sympathetic, asked her a soppy question, had put up some facade of friendship, she would have kept her mouth closed.

“How can you stand it?”

“Stand what?” Glimmer asked, face carefully composed.

“Hanging out with the amazing She-Ra all the time,” Catra said bitterly, waving an arm before letting it flop back against the ground. “The brave hero Miss Perfect Adora. You would be in charge, if she wasn’t here. Doesn’t it make you mad?”

Glimmer gave her a sour look. “Adora never lords it over anyone, she tries so hard to treat her power as a burden she has to respect. It isn’t some fun time.”

“Oh come on.” Catra rolled her eyes.

Glimmer huffed. “Yeah, I was super jealous at first. But… I don’t know. I got to know her and what a nice person she is and I got over it. I don’t know what you want me to say!” 

“You’ve got to be kidding me. _ How _ did you get over it?”

“I don’t know, I just stopped thinking about it that way!”

“That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard,” Catra scowled.

“Have you tried it?” Glimmer asked, frustrated.

Catra hissed under her breath before springing up and stalking off down the hallway.

* * *

Glimmer got halfway down the corridor, self-righteous and stomping, before she had to stop. Her head tipped back, her shoulders fell, her hands rocketed down by her side, tight fists knocking against her thighs. Then she groaned aloud, and turned back.

She had to jog to catch up, swearing all the way. Eventually she found her again, Catra’s slitted pupils glaring at her as she came down the hall.

“Alright, alright. Ugh. I’m sorry, I copped out earlier. I was being a wimp.”

“What, you are jealous of Adora?” Her head tilted curiously.

“No. I mean, obviously it would be cool to be a giant glowing superwarrior. But I was never that jealous of her.” Glimmer stopped, fiddling at the hem of her shorts. “But that’s because… she isn’t the one I felt like I had to live up to.”

Catra’s eyebrows went up as she made the obvious connection. “Ah. Your mother? Damn.”

“Yeah. I resented her _ so _ much. She was calm and wise and collected, always telling me what to do and shaking her head at me when I failed. She had all this power, and she just wouldn’t do anything with it,” Glimmer’s arms shot out, waving dramatically. “And I was so… pathetic. Whatever I tried to do always turned out horribly and she’d turn it into some life lesson and look at me with sad eyes. It made me angry, like SO angry.”

“But you guys are super sappy closeness pals,” she said, with only a hint of her normal derision. 

“Well, we are now,” Glimmer shifted, trying to think of how to explain. “After Adora joined, she started letting me do more. Or maybe, things were going better in general so she trusted that we’d be okay. At first I just felt less suffocated, and after meeting Adora, I mean, she didn’t know about anything; not cookies or what extended family was or emotional support or birthdays. I didn’t really understand, before I met her, that a person… that their childhood could be so sad, and, and restricted. My mom just wanted for me to be safe, and happy. I could see she was doing her best, not trying to hurt me on purpose.” 

She felt odd, like she’d rambled for ages. Glimmer stole a glance at Catra, to make sure she wasn’t boring her, or making her angry. She discovered Catra looking serious, eyes narrowed with focused attention. 

That’s so weird, she thought to herself. Catra spent half her time pretending not to care about anything, then she’d turn around and do things like this. One minute she was all obnoxious pranks and insults, the next begrudging but genuine consideration and weirdly on point insight. 

She chewed over her thoughts, considering all the things that led her and her Mom back to each other. Well, there was no getting around the importance of the time she got kidnapped, no matter how little she wanted to discuss _ that _with Catra.

“But none of that made us close. It made me, softer, I guess? Towards her. I wanted to talk to her, I just couldn’t. But after you kidnapped us, something happened. I couldn’t use my powers, and so much was going on. I was exhausted and frustrated and I finally just snapped. I shouted at her, told her how ashamed I felt and how hard it was, trying to live up to her lofty perfect example. I told her that she made me feel like a failure. And she, she told me that it was the same for her. That she felt like she had failed, since she couldn’t save my Dad or preserve the princess alliance.”

“Really? Her royal majesty Queen Angella?” Catra asked, incredulous.

Glimmer felt weird telling Catra such a personal thing, but the more she spoke, the more she knew her instincts had been right. Something was going on with the ex-Horde soldier, something important. And if what happened with her Mom taught her anything, it was how much could change when you were brave enough to be vulnerable, and real.

“So much of how she treated me wasn’t about me at all. She had doubts and worries too, and I didn’t have any idea! Because we were never open with each other. Even though I thought I knew her, there was a lot I didn’t understand. But now I get it, because we really talk. She knows I need to do something, that I can’t just watch when bad things are happening. And I know that she’s just scared about losing me. So she lets me do what I need to do, and I listen to what her worries are and take them seriously.”

She can see Catra shutting down, as the implications of what she is saying sinks in. Even Glimmer doesn’t know if Catra and Adora will be capable of that kind of honesty with each other. Trust means something different for people who grew up in a place that wasn’t safe. 

This talk needed to be a lot less serious, pronto.

“In other words, get real with each other, doofus.” Glimmer tore her cape the rest of the way off her shoulder, jammed it over Catra’s head, yanked on her tail, and teleported forward down the hallway.

As she sprinted off, she heard a feline screech of rage.

* * *

She had finally got up the nerve to talk to Adora, or so she thought.

Catra crouched in the rafters, close to the sloped ceiling of the hall, outside of Adora’s room. She was waiting for her to get back, coaching herself through what she wanted to say. It felt impossible, but not as impossible as pretending to be okay with the way things were.

Of course, nothing could be simple.

When Adora came down the hallway, Bow was next to her. They were laughing, arms waving through dramatic gestures, elbowing each other and chatting easily.

That used to be her. She used to be the one who talked to Adora like that. 

She felt shoved aside and territorial and angry. How was she supposed to talk about this? 

Out in the wilderness it had felt easier. If something went wrong, she could just go. Leave. Here, if she wanted to be with Adora, she had to keep staying, no matter how badly messed up it got, no matter how ugly, she had to keep staying and staying. 

If felt too large, heavy and looming. It was terrifying, the scope of what she needed to do and how little escape there would be from it. Being alone was worse, though. It had been pointless and empty, especially when she balanced it against the weight of the world, against what they meant to each other.

She was damned either way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on [tumblr](http://ladyptarmigan.tumblr.com/)! Come visit meeeeeee. Also what the heck it's like 7am I mean I know I'm a night shift slug so this is my daytime but why did I schedule myself like this, never again!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on [tumblr](http://ladyptarmigan.tumblr.com/)! And I'm NOT READY for the next season omg.

* * *

Bow shut the door behind him with just enough force to feel it latch. He looked at Adora, face open and friendly but mouth caught partway to a grimace. He hated to bring a problem to Adora, but there was nothing he could do about this one alone.

“You wanted to talk to me about something?” Adora asked.

He nodded, one hand tugging at the collar of his shirt.

“Do you know, ah,” he winced, hesitating for a moment. “Where Catra has been sleeping? Has she been staying with you?”

“What?” The word was clipped and sharp with shock.

“I tried to bring her a donut, early yesterday morning. Knocked on the door of the room she was supposed to be using, no answer. I scaled the wall outside to see if anyone was even there, nope. It looked untouched in there.”

“Catra,” she groaned.

“I thought she was with you, but....” Bow sighed.

“She hasn’t been with me,” Adora shook her head. Her fist clenched at her side. “Damn. Damn it. She hasn’t been with me. She has been as far away from me as possible. I don’t understand,” her voice broke.

Bow reached an arm out, clasped her tightly, patted her upper arm. “It was hard for you too, when you first came here. You’ll figure it out. We’re all here to help, even if we don’t know how just yet.”

Adora nodded, but without the conviction of a person convinced.

“I’ll—” she swallowed. “I’ll talk to her.”

* * *

Adora strode down the hallway, her shoulders tense with purpose and jaw clenched. Somehow this had snagged and torn something inside of her, more than anything else that had happened or not happened between them over the last month. Catra had denied her every single way they might have grown close. She had chosen to sleep rough in some corner of the castle, or out in the forest, or anywhere as long as it wasn’t in the home she could have had. She’d turned her back on the place in Adora’s own space that would have existed for her.

Why come back, if she didn’t want her? She couldn’t understand it.

She was buoyed by a resolve she hadn’t felt in weeks. Her hurt and anger propelled her to a place of action that felt like an echo of She-Ra. It was a relief, after so long drifting in indecision, to have her tentative sallies washed away by cool clean purpose. Adora was angry. She wanted answers. And she’d worry about the consequences later.

Luckily, it was almost time for lunch. One of the only reliable ways to track down Catra was to look for her at mealtimes. Adora winced at that thought, she should have known. They should have figured it out. She shook her head, refusing to let doubt stop her momentum. Something had to change.

At last she came upon Catra walking out of the communal eating area, holding a sandwich.

She reached out to snag Catra’s elbow, giving her a hopefully neutral stare.

“What’s up?” she said, eyebrows going up, still casual.

But Adora could read the tension in her face, and see the way Catra’s ears had shifted incrementally back.

“Come talk with me,” she said, trying to sound calm. “Shouldn’t take long,” she continued, lying.

Catra nodded, but she went still and frightened at the edges. Adora could see it. She could sense how Catra was feeling the rug pulled out from under her, getting ready for the worst. There was nothing for it, she knew nothing could make a serious conversation like this less terrible.

They walked to Adora’s room in silence, and she closed the door behind the two of them. As soon as they were inside Catra stepped away, glaring.

“What is all this about?” she asked, angry preemptively.

Adora tried to tamp down her churning stomach and sink back into the anger that had gotten her this far. She couldn’t take it back, this needed to happen. She took a deep breath, letting loss and anger steel her spirit.

“You aren’t living in the room they assigned you. Where are you staying?”

“Is that what you’re fretting about?” Catra tried to cackle mockingly, but there was a brittleness to it.

“What is going on? You didn’t like the room? It was too quiet?”

“As if, I've been traveling alone for months.”

“Then what?” Adora asked, voice clipped.

Catra wouldn't answer. She just stood there, lips pulled back into a snarl.

“You don't want to let yourself have a home here. You don't want to belong here. With me.” Adora felt herself slip at last back into hurt and anger, heart racing with the force of her own muddled grief.

“It's not that simple, stupid,” Catra looked away, avoidance written in every line of her stance.

“Don’t call me stupid, I’m not the one who showed up after all this time just to avoid their best friend!”

“You’re always hanging out with your newer, better best friends.” Catra crossed her arms. 

“That’s bullshit,” Adora spat out. She wasn’t going to let Catra get away with that, making the fight about what she was doing or defending herself against an accusation not even Catra really believed. They’d told her a hundred times she was always welcome with them.

She forced herself not to say anything else. Adora stood, breathing hard, hands shaking at her sides.

Catra looked everywhere but at her, fidgeting and digging her nails into her palms. After a long minute, something in the other girl seemed to cave. She rocked back on her heels, sighing.

“I’m still so mad. At this place, at these people. Sometimes I can’t bear to even fucking look at them.” Catra’s voice was quiet. 

“I know what I did hurt you so much, but Catra when I was thinking about going with Glimmer and Bow, I never even… considered that I'd be doing it without you,” Adora said, slow and careful. “You wanted to leave more than anyone! I thought that… I thought that once I'd gotten to explain you'd be _ happy_. I never wanted to go without you.”

“Things are just so simple in your black and white little world,” Catra said, full of bitterness.

“Maybe they were, but that's how I survived.”

Catra’s eyes went a little wide at the honest admission, but something in her was too frantic to stop. “Typical Adora, looking out for number one. How convenient, the Horde is evil just in time for you to become a magic hero. Who gives a shit what they did to _ me_. I guess I didn’t count as an ‘innocent victim’, eh?”

“You were right, ok! It was obvious that things were bad. But I couldn't face the truth about what the Horde was, about who Shadow Weaver was, until I could _ do _ something. I couldn't have lived with them, and… known. I don't know how you did.” Adora didn’t want the last sentence to sound accusing, but couldn’t prevent the truth of it from leaking into her tone.

“I didn't have a choice! I got the worst of it, always,” Catra spat out, hand cutting at the air.

“And I couldn't… I couldn't help you!” she shouted, anguished. “Do you know how much it killed me to watch? Why do you think I was always so mad at you? As if you could just follow the rules and they wouldn't hurt you.” Adora laughed bitterly at herself, eyes shining with tears.

Catra just looked at her, wide eyed and frozen.

“I was too scared to think that it wouldn't have mattered, that Shadow Weaver needed to keep us afraid and compliant. That she was a cruel person, and just wanted to hurt someone, and that you made sure it was you. To protect _ me_. If I had known that… I couldn't have survived, it would have destroyed me.” Adora felt herself pleading, finally saying aloud the truth that had laid between them all that time.

And, standing across from her, she could see that Catra understood the thing she had put between them. Their eyes met, both of them tense and breathing hard, souls bared just a little and strung out between them.

“I had to escape. But I never wanted to leave you,” Adora let herself say it plainly.

Catra swallowed hard, breaking eye contact to look at the ground. This was too much.

“You didn’t have a choice,” Catra choked out, sounding hoarse. “I’ll stop sleeping in the woods.”

Then she turned and bolted out the door.

Adora closed her eyes, pushing all the air out of her lungs. She laid a palm against the door, wanting her friend back, wanting something she couldn’t put a name to, feeling torn apart but immeasurably lighter at the same time.

* * *

Catra was still shaking by the time she made it outside.

_ Neither of us had a choice. _

The thought rippled through her like a wave, destructive and soothing all at once. Shadow Weaver had _ known_, somehow, or suspected what was going to happen. She’d intervened before Catra had been able to talk to Adora again, set them against each other at the most important moment, made sure it would be during a battle where there wouldn’t be time to explain anything. She’d been tricked like a fool, over and over. She should have known, she should have ran off at least long enough to get the full story from Adora. Given what they meant to each other, she'd deserved that. But she couldn't have known, not what the explanation was, or that the Horde couldn't afford to kill or incapacitate her. The game was too far along, it had taken too long for her to catch up— to learn enough to compete. Now, the way they'd been manipulated was splayed clearly in front of her.

Of course. Shadow Weaver had benefited from pitting them against each other. Catra wanted to scream at how stupid she felt, how ashamed. Obviously there was a basis for Adora being the magical favorite, some knowledge she had that they didn’t. But Shadow Weaver had also known she needed to put cracks in their loyalty to one another, known that it would be dangerous if they cared more about each other than her. It was never just about her _liking _Adora better, obviously that witch had no love or loyalty for anyone or anything. She had played right into their hands.

Her eyes were burning, her head pounded with shame and anger and regret.

Shadow Weaver, that bitch bitch _ bitch_.

She had cursed Adora a thousand times for ignoring what was going on around her. For refusing to acknowledge the kind of person Shadow Weaver was. God, how she’d resented the way Adora strove for that witch’s approval! It had made her sick, the way Adora walked all over her sacrifices on her trip to the top of the class. Taking her place had seemed like poetic justice.

Now, with the benefit of time and distance, Catra could see Adora’s own truth. Glimmer, damn that shrew, had been right. She knew Adora better than anyone in the world and had forgotten what was right under her nose. Young little Adora, forthright and good and shining like the blade she'd wield one day, had been trapped in the dark heart of the Horde. If that girl had known, had truly consciously understood what Shadow Weaver was doing, she would have had to fight or run. That was just… who Adora was. If she had admitted to herself ‘hey, this woman is an abusive fuckwit’, she couldn’t have lived with her, couldn’t have watched her punish Catra or the other recruits.

Adora would have tried to protect her. Stupidly. She would have attacked Shadow Weaver, probably headfirst, subtle as a brick. Or worse, tried to convince her to escape. With no supplies, no knowledge of the outside world, no safe way out. At age twelve. They would have died. 

Or been easily recaptured, again and again. 

She doesn't even want to think of the broken mess that would’ve have been left, if Adora had fought and lost over and over to a woman with absolute power over them. 

Adora had needed that denial. As soon as she was safe from the Horde, it had fallen away and she was able to see the truth. And as soon as she saw the truth she hadn’t been able to go back. It hadn’t had anything to do with her, not really. There hadn't been some choice between her and the rebellion. She still felt so betrayed, it stung that she hadn’t been more important to Adora than all the rest of it, but she could see that it wasn’t like that, not to Adora. She had _needed_ to feel like she was doing the right thing, that she was on the right side, like everything was for the best. Losing that sense was what had changed things. Is conserving that for Adora why she'd become a troublemaker in the first place?

The offhand thought struck her with needling pressure. Catra found she couldn’t recall the first time she antagonized Shadow Weaver— it had always been on purpose, to a degree. She'd fought back the only way she could, and that rebellion had felt like the only way to hold onto herself. She’d also known Shadow Weaver would punish her regardless, that the woman _ enjoyed _ it. She’d known she was the obvious target. If it was because of something she actually did, all the better. But there was more to it than rebellion: if it was something she actually did, Adora wasn’t faced with the truth.

She didn’t have to confront how wrong it all was. The focus was on Catra instead. She'd hated how Adora ignored it all, hated how it made her feel invisible and weak and scared. But she also never gave real consideration to conforming. She tried to recall when she started causing trouble, but the moment was too long past to remember. Adora had been favored since they were very young, but her own resistance to the rules was more than refusing to beg for approval she was never going to get. Of course she’d always been mischievous, disinclined to respect authority. That was her personality. But how much of that was the shape their fates made them? She could remember having a clear sense she had to protect Adora, even as a little kid. How come she'd never thought about _ why_? She had known she couldn't let Adora see how hurt she was; laughing and playing pranks, courting trouble, all of it misdirection for the pain that was underneath. 

Catra grimaced, looking up at the trees of the Whispering Woods. They leaned, ominous and shadowy, over her as they creaked in the wind. She tried to calm down, forcing her breathing to slow by a few beats.

We did our best, but we were children.

She knew the statement was true, but it just didn’t feel true. The fault was in her, though, she knew it. When she looked at Zak, she didn’t think about how he should have stopped the Horde from attacking his village. She thought that he was doing pretty well, for a kid uprooted from his home.

Her and Adora were kids, and they didn’t have better options. They had both done what they had to do to survive. It had been messy and imperfect, but they'd made as much care from it as they could.

She loved Adora, then and now, and had known her friend’s spirit couldn’t survive the loss of its innocence in that place. Catra had taken on that burden so Adora wouldn't have to. Some part of her had known what it would mean, and picked her fate. The brightest, noblest parts of Adora had survived because of the darkness she had brought down on herself.

She could curse it and regret it, but she wouldn’t change it. Not ever. And she knew that the next time she saw She-Ra, that figure would mean something just a little different.

* * *

Catra didn’t move into her room in the castle that night. She figured she had a good excuse. Rather than sleep, she wandered in the woods and through the castle for hours, brooding and thinking and re-thinking. A few naps were interspersed throughout the night, but she knew the next day would be rough.

This was much harder than she thought it would be. Unlike before, though, it felt like moving forward, as if some sort of dam had broken. She made her way to breakfast tentatively, not sure whether Adora would try to catch her or not.

She shouldn’t have wondered.

When she entered the room, Adora was already sitting and eating a piece of toast. When she saw Catra, she gave a nod and a soft smile. She didn’t speak, but left the choice of what to do up to her. The consideration of it made her feel prickly and warm.

With half a grumble, she went and sat across from her. Adora smiled again through a bite of toast.

“Morning,” Catra said, shifting in the chair.

In reply, Adora pushed the half empty plate of potatoes, greens, and bread into the middle of the table. 

Catra reached out with a hand, stabbing a potato on one of her claws and popping it into her mouth. As she chewed, she looked at Adora’s face which was moving through a spectrum of fondness, tiredness, and awkwardness.

At least that last one made her feel better.

“Why does this still feel so hard?” Catra muttered before stopping, crippled with regret. She hadn’t meant to make such a revealing declaration.

“Everything is awkward.” Adora looked down at her plate.

They were supposed to be honest with each other, weren’t they?

“I never know what to say to you,” she bit out. Being upfront was worth a try.

Adora looked up again, almost smiling. “What did we always use to talk about?”

“Stupid stuff, like the dumb shit we did the day before,” Catra murmured with a laugh.

“We’ve both changed.”

“We don’t... really know each other anymore.” The declaration felt like a tragedy to Catra, like the end of something.

It caused a bright smile to spread across Adora’s face.

“We’ll just have to catch up, then, won’t we,” she said, fork tapping against her plate. “Do you want to start, or should I?”

Catra scowled. She should have seen this coming— she had presented Adora with an actionable problem.

“Alright, alright. I will,” Adora laughed, putting up her hands. “You know, I just realized that I never told you. That night, in the woods, when we snuck out together. I saw the sword. And had… this weird vision. But when I woke up there was nothing there. I thought you’d think I was crazy. _ I _ thought I was crazy! But it was… calling me. I had to go back. But I knew you would just make fun of me if I told you it was because of my weird hallucinations.”

“Guilty,” Catra said, leaning back in her chair with a smile on her face.

* * *

Entrapta swang through that evening on her way to get some other supplies.

Which was fortunate, since Catra had some news for her.

“Adora can actually read First Ones writing. Fluently,” she said, arms crossed.

“Are you kidding me? And she just, what? Doesn’t think about that at all unless she is standing right in front of it?” Entrapta stood bolt upright from where she crouched in front of a pile of boxes. 

“Uh… nope, probably not.” The heroes really did have some problems going on. Catra wondered if them picking up a villain team wasn’t the best thing that could have happened to them.

“We’ve got to get a database going, could use her translations to build up vocab and grammar until extrapolation is possible, use her to confirm other…” Entrapta’s voice lowered in register until she was muttering.

Catra walked out. 

She knew better than to reason with one of Entrapta’s planning sessions.

* * *

That night, rather than go to the room they assigned to her, she went to Adora’s.

It was late, and she found Adora was in bed already. A slice of light from the hallway was the only thing illuminating the room once she shut the door. The other girl wasn't asleep yet, though, and their eyes met in silent communication as Catra stood awkwardly just inside the room.

They didn’t speak, but Adora rolled out of bed without needing an explanation, not to receive one or give it. She went to a desk with a sliding cabinet door behind it and fished, then pulled out a blanket. Then, with a little smirk, she tossed it. Catra caught it before she realized what her hands were doing. She held it out in front of her, wanting to deny what she wanted, craving what had been offered more. She knew why she was here, but now that the moment had arrived she wasn’t feeling quite ready.

Adora understood somehow, though, and climbed back into bed without comment. She propped up her head with her arms crossed beneath and closed her eyes. 

Catra stood frozen in the dark for longer than she would care to admit. But gradually, she made her way to the side of Adora’s bed. She knew the other woman wasn’t asleep yet.

The courtesy of her pretending was nice, though.

She wrapped the blanket around her own shoulders, climbed on the mattress, and curled up against Adora’s shins. It felt embarrassing somehow, like she was admitting to something juvenile. Her skin felt hot and prickly. But the sensation died down quickly as warmth sank into her bones and the sound of Adora’s soft breathing lulled her to sleep.

She had missed this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The show has veered off since I plotted this series out, so this interpretation is definitely well into headcanon territory and is less multilayered than I wanted to convey, but I hope it is an interesting bite of thought. Adora is definitely a Big Dumb (and I luv her as do we all lololol) but her ignorance of the what the Horde was has always felt partially self protective to me. That whole aspect of her personality rings that way, especially since she would imo be totally incapable of the more complex 'hide my private disagreement while doing what I need to do' strategy Catra uses. So in my mind Adora buries things until she is ready to dig them up, while ALSO being a dumb jock heheheh.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh dang another really neat season with a lot of super cool dramatic moments (meanwhile I'm in the corner like 'noooo give me quiet sentimental character growth and happy things ONLY). lololololol. Can I just say though, now I'm super duper excited for next season? I think I will find watching the whole show a really pleasing experience when I can just binge it as opposed to being in suspense for MONTHS like is anyone else on this train with me? Though I binge most TV, I don't even have cable. I don't think I've watched a show week by week in years.

* * *

  
Before long, it was a routine. Catra would slink into the room late at night and they would curl up together, Adora below the covers, Catra on top. Not touching much, just Catra’s shoulder butted up against Adora’s thigh, or a hand resting on her shin. It was warm and comfortable, and she slept better. Not that she would admit that to anyone.

That didn’t stop Glimmer from making jokes about her suddenly improved temperament. It was just as well they went mostly over Adora’s head. She didn’t need to be explaining that sort of thing while they were still navigating so much else.

That was another problem.

Being so close to Adora again was a deep comfort. But it didn’t feel the same. She had grown and seen and done so much. Curling up at the end of another woman’s bed didn’t mean the same thing as it did when they were kids. Adora seemed oblivious though, and it was a footnote to all the other problems they had going on. It could go on the list.

Her bigger issue was that Adora was almost caught up. Every night they laid in the dark and chatted, Adora making her way through every fight, adventure, and setback she had experienced since they lost each other. It was quite the saga. She expected Adora thought they would alternate days, but Catra couldn’t bring herself to do it and she hadn’t pushed. It was almost Catra’s turn to start talking, and she had begun to dread it. Adora had made friends and protected the world. It was so much less pleasant, to talk about Shadow Weaver. To talk about her own stupid ambitions. Catra had been hurt and hurt others in turn, had let herself be used and made up into something cruel and cold.

None of it was fun, little of it was entertaining, all of it was gut wrenching. Even her travels through the wider world had been a struggle, though a more peaceful one.

She didn’t want to talk about what she had become. There was so much anger and shame tied up in it. Normally, she would try to tease it apart. She knew Adora wanted to move forward, and wasn’t going to judge her for what had happened. It shouldn’t have felt so insurmountable.

But she had noticed something. 

Adora never mentioned the Horde in her stories. Fighting them, sure. But nothing _ about _them, no discussions of how things had been or speculation about what their ultimate goals were, no mentions of storytelling about the people and ideas that made up the Horde as an entity.

It never came up, as if whoever Bow and Glimmer knew was a person born in the Whispering Woods from nothing. 

She'd sensed it, from how little they all knew about her. They had known her name, and that she and Adora had been childhood friends, but that was basically it. Nothing about her personality, or why they had been close. It was obvious Adora hadn’t spoken about her. Not surprising, and she certainly didn’t have the right to be mad about it. Not anymore. 

But now she suspected that Adora spoke of none of it. That she just tried to ignore everything about her past, like moving on meant just closing your eyes to what had happened before.

The more she thought about it, the more sure she was. That’s what Adora did: just try to forget. What an idiot. 

* * *

The next night, rather than climb into bed, Catra leaned against the side of a pillar. She crossed her arms, face pulled into as neutral a frown as she could manage. They were going to talk about it. She could do this. They had communication skills now, or something.

Adora had just pulled off her jacket and taken her boots off in preparation for bed, but was now watching her with alarmed wariness. Yeah, they were both loving this whole talking about their problems thing.

Catra shifted from foot to foot, then decided to go for it. This did not feel like a ‘relaxing in bed’ conversation. 

“I feel weird talking about the Horde to you,” she blurted out.

Adora froze, halfway through pulling off a sock.

“Not just because of all the... evil cackling, destroy the rebellion, Hordak’s right hand stuff.”

“W-why?” Adora asked, already sounding like she didn’t want to know the answer.

“It’s obvious, how much you don’t want to... deal with it. Think about it. Talk about it.”

“That’s not…”

“I’ve spent months with Glimmer and Bow, when I first got here they had no idea who I was except ‘Adora’s former friend who went evil’. I was the most important person in your life for like _ ten years_. I’m not… I’m not mad about that. I can understand why you wouldn’t want to bring me up. But it’s not just me. It’s any of it.”

“I talk about the Horde!”

“What, when asked a direct question? Or during op planning? You left it behind and tried to pretend like it never happened.” 

“You just don’t want to tell me what happened that made you turn your back on me, and everything we meant to each other,” Adora’s shoulders were tense, voice clipped and angry.

“Don’t tell me about friendship, when you go around acting like you’re best friends with everyone but you won’t even let them get to know you. You want everyone to just forget where you came from. But, guess what? You are the one who can’t forget!”

Catra can’t believe she didn’t see it sooner. Adora, who avoided the past like a plague, still wearing her Horde uniform.

“It isn’t any of your business,” Adora said, having turned red and blotchy with anger. 

“How am I supposed to believe I can talk about who I am to people here and have them accept me if _ you _don’t even seem to believe that?” Catra pointed savagely in her friend's direction. “You actually think if you remind people of who you are, they won’t like you anymore. As if half the castle doesn’t follow around after you drooling. You’re being an idiot.”

“You don't have the right,” Adora spat out, finally exploding. “You were the one who betrayed _ me. _ You hurt me! You don't get to act like you know everything about me anymore!” 

She tried not to let that sting the way it wanted to. It hurt, but it was too obvious that Adora was trying to turn the argument into something else so she could avoid the question. She tried to steel herself, told herself she could be mad later

“Maybe I don't. It's none of my business how you feel, apparently. But it sounds to me like you want me to stop talking, because you know I'm right,” Catra finished, still confident she was doing the right thing but scared in that small easily deserted part of herself.

“You are the worst! I don’t even know why I wanted you to come back so bad,” Adora growled, arm sweeping out and glancing off a stool, knocking it into the desk with a startling, loud crack. A half vase, filled with bits of electronic and a few writing implements, teetered from the collision and slipped off the edge of the desk, breaking with another loud, protracted clash. At that, Adora deflated.

She seemed to collapse inward, shame and regret making her face crumple until her shoulders were practically pointing at the ground. They stood and looked at each other for a moment, Catra’s eyebrows going up, though with none of her normal mockery.

Eventually Adora picked her head back up. “I was mad because you were right,” she whispered out, defeated.

“You should talk to them.”

“Will you come with me? Tomorrow?”

Catra nodded with a little grin, trying not to look too pleased by her success. The answer to that question would always be the same.

* * *

“Uh, yeah, we noticed,” Bow and Glimmer said in unison.

Adora scowled.

Catra smirked, holding back on her first instinct: to cackle.

Glimmer looked to the side, scratching at the back of her head. “It obviously wasn’t a pleasant topic for you, we decided…” she trailed off, glancing towards Bow.

“We didn’t want to push,” Bow said gently.

“There’s only room for one emotionally constipated Horde fuckup in the rebellion, so we need to get Adora at least 50% functional,” Catra mouthed off playfully.

“Let’s not try to change the topic during a conversation about avoiding discussions of the Horde. That’s one level of irony too far,” Bow said.

“Well, where do you want to start?” Glimmer said with manufactured levity.

Adora and Catra looked at each other.

“Ah. Is there anything you’ve been wondering about? Might be easier to start somewhere specific,” Catra said.

“What was it like, when you were young? I always thought of the Horde as pretty much a military. What do kids even do there?”

“They split up the day into educational blocks, reading, math, basic combat, fitness, stuff like that. We were mostly in groups with other kids our age,” Adora’s brows drew together as she explained, remembering.

“There was no fun, no recreation, no freedom. Every minute of the day was scheduled, it was so boring,” Catra drew out the ‘g’, grinning at Adora.

“For me, you mean. Catra spent most of the day figuring out new ways to run off, mouth off, or otherwise refuse to follow instruction.”

“I must have missed those early lessons on ‘obedience is trust’ and ‘the importance of order’. No wonder you scored better than me in everything,” Catra said, voice high as she made mock finger quotes.

“You might have been at the top of the class too if you didn’t skip all the time.”

“Until Shadow Weaver realized she could use you as leverage to get me to show up, anyway,” Catra muttered, still bitter, then shrugged. “At least she didn’t spread that around.”

“Can you believe it? We used to consider that ‘being nice’.” Adora chuckled.

“That is… really creepy,” Bow said with a rare frown.

“So there were just instructors and Shadow Weaver as, like, caregiving adults?” Glimmer asked, incredulous. “That’s terrible!”

Adora nodded seriously. “Yeah. A commander in charge of the barracks kept an eye on us at night, all the rest of our time was supervised class time or meals.”

Catra watched with a smile as Adora went on to describe the long, bunk lined rooms they had lived in, the plain nutrient packed rations that had made up the entirety of their diets (and hadn’t proper meals been a revelation), the early mornings. How they hadn’t even known about ‘weekends’ until they left.

Her tail flicked with pleased languor. She was happy just to listen to Adora ramble on, as Bow and Glimmer became more and more engrossed in the minutiae of life in the Horde for baby She-Ra. But as she watched them with unfocused attention, a thought occurred to her.

Adora hadn’t talked to the rebellion about the Horde. 

She had used her knowledge to plan tactical attacks, sure, to disclose base layouts and patrol timings. But Catra was sure none of it had included real, long term planning. Nothing about what the final shape of victory might look like. 

Nothing about how best to ideologically and practically oppose the Horde as an entity.

Wasn’t that just like Adora. Catra tapped a finger on her arm as she tried to decide what to say. 

Glimmer looked over at her, obviously noticing her inner turmoil.

Rather than respond, she just shrugged. Grinning at Adora, she rejoined the conversation. “Tell them about the time you electrocuted yourself trying to steal a kitchen appliance.”

Adora laughed, eyes sparkling, and dove into the story.

There was no point in mentioning all that, anyhow. They wouldn’t take her seriously anyway. Would they?

* * *

After that day, Adora’s mood seemed much improved. She was more comfortable in her own skin, more relaxed. Catra wished it had the same effect on her. Some of her sinking unease had disappeared, it was true. But she felt no better about telling Adora her own story, and her turn to talk was fast approaching.

She found she doesn't want to discuss it, still. It felt simultaneously too private and too embarrassing. If she could just start, get to the middle part all at once and have the worst of it be over, it would seem less daunting. But when she can't even open her mouth that felt like a pipe dream.

Why couldn’t she just get over it? 

It was the Horde looming over her again, making her feel foolish, trapping her in bad decisions. It brought back every sense of herself as not good enough.

She doesn’t want to hear Adora trying to make her feel better about it, doesn’t want to hear her sympathy when she hears that she actually tried for Shadow Weaver’s approval. For Hordak’s. How important she had let it become to her, all for nothing.

Her hands clenched tight at her sides, and she stopped walking in the middle of the hallway. Tension skittered up and down her spine as her breathing got shallow and quick. 

She just didn’t want to talk about it.

“Fuck you, Shadow Weaver,” she barked out, one foot grinding down against stone floor tile. You don’t have any power over me, she recited in her head, letting her words echo down the corridor. Well, that was effective.

Why does she still feel like she’s exactly what the Horde made her, no matter what she says or does?

Then Queen Angella turned the corner only a few feet away, eyebrows already raised.

Catra could feel her face burn and the pink creeping up her neck. For fucks sake. Of all the people who could have walked by.

“Lo,” Catra greeted with a mumbled curse. She still refused to salute or bow or whatever, but this situation couldn’t quite go ignored.

“Catra,” the Queen inclined her head. “I cannot disagree with the sentiment,” she said dryly, lips quirking.

Catra could not imagine a way to respond to that.

“I’ve been meaning to speak with you,” the Queen redirected the conversation with the grace of long experience. “Your young friend Zak has been traveling to different villages attempting to join the rebellion. Claiming to be seventeen.”

“Seventeen, kid? That’s shooting a little high,” Catra muttered, almost laughing. 

“Will you speak with him?”

“Shouldn’t you talk to him, being the wise Queen and all?” Catra asked.

“Sometimes it’s better for these things to come from an adult the child trusts,” she said with a soft smile.

Queen Angella started walking again, almost brushing Catra’s shoulder as she walked by. There was no discomfort or uncertainty in the woman, none that Catra could perceive anyway. For the first time, Catra felt envious of her. Of that natural and controlled sense of who and what she was; of what she thought was best.

“Wait,” the word escaped Catra before she could stop herself, almost without thought.

The Queen stopped, turning back around with a curious look on her face.

Catra felt her heart pound as she tried to order her thoughts and figure out what is was she wanted to ask. Queen Angella was absolutely nowhere on Catra’s list of ‘people she’d like to chat with’. But she was old as fuck, and sort of nice and wise in her own sort of way. In the end, she wanted answers more than she hated the thought of talking to her. 

She huffed angrily, arms crossed against her chest. Then, all at once, she knew what she wanted to ask. The same question that had haunted her ever since she left the Horde, and had asked twice already. Maybe a third time would bring the understanding she wanted.

“I left the Horde. But no matter what I do it feels like I just can’t escape. How do I get away from it?” she asked, simple and frustrated. “How do I stop it from controlling me?”

Queen Angella’s mouth dropped open a little in surprise, then closed as her brows drew together. She obviously had not expected something like that, and it took her a moment to think it through. But she was not in a rush. She let the silence hang as her lips pursed in thought.

“The answer is difficult, but also much simpler than you are expecting,” she said, with a soft radiant kindness, “Time is the key, Catra. You must give yourself time. For nearly two decades the Horde controlled everything you did and saw and learned. You have been free not even two years, it cannot help but be a long shadow. Look at how much you’ve already changed, from the angry young woman I remember attacking this place. Every day that passes where you live your life for the things that belong uniquely to you, where you challenge what they taught you and strive in the direction of what your own heart loves, that is all the action that is required.” 

Catra could hear her heart pounding in her ears. It was too much of an answer, and not one at all. 

Angella could see it, and nodded in encouragement. “Even six months ago you never would have asked me such a thing. Catra, I’ve been impressed by the progress you’ve made.”

“What?” she couldn’t stop the croaky, surprised question from escaping her. She would’ve been less shocked if the Queen had taken out a gun and shot her, a compliment was the last thing she expected. The rush of warmth she felt at hearing it seemed dangerous, like it was setting her up for something worse.

“It is a trait of the young to expect everything to happen quickly,” she smiled again, motioning with one hand. “Just think, at forty, you will have been free as long as you were with them. Imagine yourself then, with the Horde long since defeated. Weeks will pass where you scarcely think of them. One day you will simply wake up, and realize you have been free of them for a long time, their power gradually worn away.”

* * *

Catra spent the rest of the day in a daze, thinking quietly to herself. She found herself uninterested in lunch, swinging through the kitchen to grab a slice of bread and cheese instead.

She intended on missing dinner, too. But about an hour after the meal would have ended, Bow found her where she was lounging in an isolated corner of the library. He carried a plate of food, fish toppling over a pile of vegetables.

He handed it to her without a word, and she found her chest aching strangely.

“Thanks,” she murmured, without enthusiasm but also without her normal bite.

“No problem,” Bow replied, as cheerful as ever.

“Hey, archery is supposed to be like, from the backlines tactical stuff right? A moderately safe way to contribute on the battlefield?”

“Yeah, pretty much,” Bow tilted his head.

“And it takes forever to get good at, right?”

“Yes,” he replied, fully curious by now.

“A kid I traveled here with wants to throw himself into battle, keeps trying to join the rebellion. He’s too young for that, but he won’t want to hear it.”

“You’re thinking training him might give him something else to focus on?”

“At least for long enough for him to grow into some sense,” Catra grinned. She looked at Bow, head ducked down. “Thing is, I don’t know shit about archery.”

Bow bounced up, arms swinging with enthusiasm. “You want me to give him some lessons?”

That was easier than she thought it would be. “Just to get him started. Only if you wouldn’t mind.”

“Of course I wouldn’t mind! This will be so cool!”

Catra grinned at Bow, a flash of fang with a friendlier cast than he was used to. Bow was already planning in his head, excited at the thought of a possible arrow slinging protege. He couldn’t help but be surprised at the same time, though. He glanced at Catra, lounging with a sly grin on her face but a warm look in her eyes. Bow trusted Adora, had believed what she said about Catra. He’d accepted the surly woman as best he could, been as friendly as he’d be to anyone.

But for the first time, in this moment, he felt like he could see what Adora sees. 

* * *

That night she lay in bed, curled up against Adora. Her torso twisted so that her forehead could lean into Adora’s hip bone, her own hair a cushion against muscle and curved bone. Her arms curled up in front of her, hands warm nestled in the space between Adora’s body and her own. She was almost boneless with comfort, but her mind struggled to wind down. Close proximity to Adora had made her even more reflective.

Lying there, Catra realized she had never imagined herself as an old woman.

She never even considered what she’d like her life to be like, so far out. Imagining herself with gray hair and wrinkles was almost comedic. What would she be like as an old woman? It was morbid to think about, but she really had just assumed she’d die. In battle, probably, or be executed for disobeying orders, or whatever, long before reaching anything approaching old age. It hadn’t even occurred to her that that wasn’t normal, that most people her age didn’t laugh at the idea of planning for tomorrow. She’d never even tried, before.

Thoughts of Adora rattled into her consciousness before she could stop it, like she couldn’t imagine a future not tied to the blond snoring gently above her. The two of them, bent and old but still joking and fighting with each other, playing pranks on unsuspecting kids, getting up to mischief. 

She looked up at Adora’s face, knowing the truth and barely even wanting to fight it anymore. That’s what she wanted. She couldn’t help it, the ache she felt to experience little old lady-hood, side by side with Adora.

Could such a thing even be possible? A full lifetime together, with all its beauty and pain and wonder?

Catra almost wanted to wake Adora up and ask her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on [tumblr](http://ladyptarmigan.tumblr.com/)! Why do chapters feel so longggg when you write them and then when you read them your like 'wow that was a whole one second of story'?!??! Writing is such a cursed hobby.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops sorry for missing last Sunday folks! I got a lot busier with work than I thought I would (I wound up working a gnarly six day stretch that encompassed the whole weekend) and it just wiped me out. I needed a few days of vegetation before coming back, but I'm more recuperated now! Hope yall enjoy :D

* * *

“So that’s the reason I have to comb through a different backwoods village every time I try to visit you? You’re trying to fling yourself into an early grave as a child soldier?”

“I’m old enough,” Zak said with a petulant frown.

“Old enough for what? To be a two bite meal for a were-spider rather than a one bite meal?”

Zak didn’t answer.

Catra sighed. “Look. I know you want to do something. How about you learn some warrior skills and enjoy being a kid for a few years first?”

That caused the boy to look up with some interest. “You gonna teach me?”

“I mean I’ll help, but I had an idea,” Catra looked over her shoulder to Bow. “Zak, meet Bow, the rebellion’s resident master archer and my… friend.” As she said it, she was shocked to realize it might, eventually, be true.  When did that happen? 

Bow took a couple steps forward until he was next to Catra, holding out a hand. Zak took the hand and shook it with a solemn seriousness out of place on a young teen.

“Bow, meet Zak,” Catra said shrugging towards the kid.

“I hear someone is in the market for some shooting lessons,” Bow started with unconcealed enthusiasm.

“You mean, right now?” Zak said, getting into the spirit, excitement lighting his eyes.

“Oh yeah.” Bow grinned, pulling a smaller, less ornate wooden bow off his back along with a bag of arrows.

Bow launched immediately into the lesson, getting Zak’s stance right, showing him how to hold the bow, how to aim, how to pull it back, then letting him loose.

“Form is very important, and we’ll keep working on that. But practice is the most important, so keep trying at it and one day you'll be sticking Horde soldiers with arrows from a hundred yards away!”

Zak pulled back on an arrow while squinting with concentration. When he released it, the arrow flew wide and careened off to the side into a tree a good way off from where he’d been aiming. He tried again, undaunted, and loosed an arrow hard into the ground.

He scowled. “This is more difficult than it looks.”

Bow looked ready to launch into an inspiring speech, which Catra for sure wanted to miss out on. Instead she held out her hand.

“I wanna try,” she said, voice singsong with mischief.

Bow looked at her skeptically, but handed her his own quiver and bow.

She set up into a surprisingly good imitation of the form Bow had demonstrated, pulling back on an arrow while letting her elbow flap out awkwardly at the last second. The shot went wide, whooshing a few feet in front of Bow to embed itself in a fence post.

Catra swore theatrically while Zak giggled.

She drew back again, and the arrow tipped where it was knocked on her finger as she tried to sight down it, leading her shot off course into the foliage above.

“The Horde better look out,” Bow said, voice light and full of fun.

“I’m gonna get it this time,” Catra said, sticking out her tongue as she drew.

This time the arrow glanced off the bark of the target tree, careening deeper into the forest.

“Damn it,” she said, scowling.

But her ears twitched happily as Zak burst into laughter behind her.

When her next shot scared a squirrel out of a nearby tree, Bow joined in and erupted into friendly giggles. Catra flung the bow back at him and found herself joining in, to her own surprise. It felt stupid, but right somehow, like they all were trying so hard that it crossed over into being actually funny, instead. Who cared about war, or fighting, when you could flunk out of target practice. They were just three determined idiots standing in the middle of the forest, cracking up at a dumb joke. 

* * *

Their slice of peace didn’t last long. It never did. 

The rebellion received a report that locals had observed troop movements at the edges of the Fright Zone. Forward camps were being set up, arms were being trucked to them, supply lines were being fortified all the way up to the borders.  That could mean only one thing— that an attack was incoming. The question was where, and when.

A problem like this could only be solved one way: with meetings.

Catra propped her feet up on the table and resisted the urge to sigh out loud. Discussion had descended into pointless jabbing on topics long since plumbed of useful information, mostly on the respective benefits of a defensive strategy versus taking the fight to the Horde. 

She’d heard all this before. It was boring. She was bored.

If she cared enough, she even knew what she would say. But it wasn’t like the heroes of the rebellion would listen to her. Right? She was a Horde traitor, and an outsider, and they didn’t want her horning in, calling them all idiots. As Catra looked around the table, she felt her stomach twist with anxiety for a reason she couldn’t pinpoint, at first. She looked at Adora, arguing passionately for a surprise attack on a Horde installation, eyes flashing as she pounded a fist against the table.

Glimmer had just, oh yep, she had just stood up in her chair and pointed at the warmap, literally sparkling with energy. That was Team Adora in the midst of the ‘take the fight to the Horde’ discussion, clearly. You wouldn’t think a short, pink haired princess would have such a violent streak, Catra thought to herself with a chuckle.

Next to Glimmer, Queen Angella was pinching the bridge of her nose and sighing, undoubtedly arguing for some form of caution or planning. Catra wished her good luck with that. 

To her left, Bow met her eyes with a chuckle at the enfolding tableau.  She smirked back, then rolled her eyes. 

Her stomach rolled right along with them.

Shit. She was going to have to say something.

She didn’t know how, or when, but these people had started to become her people. It didn’t matter how though; they had, and the part of her that schemed her way into Hordak’s good graces couldn’t stand the utter lack of subtlety on display. Someone had to stand up for cleverness, didn’t they? Even if they all ignored her, at least she would have said her piece.

Catra groaned out loud, interrupting Glimmer mid rant. “You’re going about this whole thing the wrong way. You aren’t going to just ‘beat’ the Horde, and you all know it. Even if you win a dozen battles in a row, what are you gonna do? Slaughter everyone who's left and burn down the Fright Zone? What is the endgame here?”

She said it dismissively and expected to be dismissed. Instead, her statement made Adora’s head dart around to look at her intently. Glimmer tilted her head to the side. Queen Angela’s eyebrows shot up with a sort of contemplative surprise. 

Silence fell over the table. 

She wasn’t sure what to do. Catra didn’t know what response she had expected, but it wasn’t this.

“We’re listening, Catra. Keep talking,” Queen Angella prompted. 

She felt frozen with nervousness. Her thoughts were a jumble, she hadn’t really thought she’d need to lay out her ideas. Maybe that they’d argue her down and feel less defensive in a few days and then she could bring it up again. Not… this.

“I mean, Princess Power is great. But you aren’t going to beat the Horde militarily. Better weapons, larger numbers, I mean come on. Your main advantage is obviously the fact that you are, you know, the good guys,” Catra said waving an arm. “You’ve been focusing on the value of Adora as She-Ra, but she could be a powerful symbol just as a former Force Captain. With me and Scorpia too, you’ve got a neat little ex-Horde rebel force. It isn’t like the Horde is some great place to live. People aren’t staying for the awesome retirement prospects. They think they don’t have a choice, and the Horde is very careful to keep it that way. If word gets out that you’ll accept defectors, we won’t be the only ones.” Catra turns to Adora. “I mean, remember that loser Kyle? Everything about him just screams future turnip farmer.” 

Adora looked at her with shock. “You think we can encourage defection?” 

“Once word gets out, I mean, probably? Going from ‘your boss doesn’t care if you die’ to ‘everyone gets a birthday party’ shouldn’t be that hard of a sell. No one will believe it at first, or want to take the risk given that the penalty for desertion is, ya know, death. But we are a pretty powerful counterexample. I think it can be done.”

The question was, how?

Angella raised a hand, palm out. “All of that is most certainly worth considering. Figuring out the logistics of that strategy and facilitating an escape route here, working out how to spread information into the fright zone, what to do when people arrive, how to vet them; all of that will require intensive planning that in itself should be the subject of a meeting. For right now, let’s agree to consider what options we have and reconvene later with that in mind as our sole purpose.” 

Even the generals were nodding. Catra felt rattled. Everyone kept  _ looking  _ at her. 

“Well, Catra? I don’t think that was the only thing you have to say,” Queen Angella said with the smallest, ‘I’m so clever and knowing’ smile on her face. 

She swallowed, her mouth dry. This was not what she expected. She was too surprised, too nervous to order her thoughts. She looked around the table, but everyone was still just smiling patiently at her. What the fuck. 

“If you’ll pardon me. Your surly demeanor and habit of playing pranks has not somehow deluded us into thinking you are a fool. No one here has missed how obviously clever and adaptive your thinking is, and certainly no one has forgotten what a dangerous opponent you make,” Angella said.

Catra took a deep breath, resolving to deal with all this later. 

She tried to consider all the complaints she’s had about the rebellion and form them into something clear and reasonable. 

“The whole magic vs technology thing is a problem, too. I mean, Hordak had Shadow Weaver, and the Black Garnet, he was trying to use magic to his advantage as well. But you guys. It might as well be the dark ages over here,” Catra said sardonically. “I wandered around long enough to realize that in some of the really remote villages, people can barely spell their own names. Entrapta is treated like some kind of a nutcase. The Horde has a universal education system, everyone has to meet a minimum standard. Then they teach you further based on aptitude. I think they have the right idea. Same with a lot of their basic tech, like electrical lighting, sanitation, food storage. You have magic substitutes for a lot of that, but it isn’t accessible everywhere. Joe Schmoe in Colonia gets his harvest wiped out by the Horde or a blight, and he just starves unless a local kingdom has a Princess on the ball enough to send aid. Don’t get me wrong, this whole side of the continent knows they can appeal to Brightmoon if they need to. But they wouldn’t have to, if their standard of living wasn’t so poor.” 

Queen Angella frowned, but with a nod. “When the Horde appeared, their tech was simply too far advanced. The University was disrupted by the war, and cut off from most of its more peripheral resources. The effort to study Horde tech and make it into something we could use failed, and that avenue was given up.” 

Damn it. Catra knew she should have thought of that. If the rebellion was only half familiar with advanced technology they sure as hell wouldn’t be able to make heads or tails of Horde robots and weaponry. She hadn’t realized what an outlier Entrapta’s brilliance was. But, then… “They won’t fail if a bunch of the Horde defects and helps you, will they. Plus, Entrapta is probably the most knowledgeable living specialist. Apart from Hordak, obviously.” 

“Education provides a barrier there, as well,” the discussion had narrowed to just her and Queen Angella, the woman’s response engaged and quick. “Most kingdoms have struggled just to protect their borders. They haven’t had the resources for more complex governance. But you are right that it’s worsening our potential position. It leaves us without good recruiting prospects for even basic research.” 

“Well, yeah. You’d have to start small. Train a group to be teachers, or use Horde converts, send them out. Funnel back in the best of their students.” 

Adora was looking back and forth between them with something like awe on her face. She felt her ears burning with warmth. Thank gosh her skin was dark enough to hide the slight redness. 

Queen Angella leaned back, tapping a finger against the table as a long pause settled. “Glimmer is familiar with what resources we have to spare. Work with her. If you can come up with a workable trial to implement, I will approve it. But I’m curious about your thinking regarding this as an endgame strategy.”

Catra sat up straighter in her chair. Whoops, she’d talked right around that. “Cause enough defections, and the Horde’s base for non-mechanized warfare will totally collapse. They’ll crack down on the people who are left, make things even more miserable. Less people will do more jobs, and they’ll do them less effectively. Hordak will eventually automate as much as possible to compensate. If you have a technological answer to a fully mechanized military, you win. If you force him to command directly, draw him out into the open and kill him, you win. ”

If she thought they were quiet before, there was dead silence at the table after that statement.

* * *

As soon as they stepped out of the meeting room, Adora let out a whoop.

“That. Was. Awesome!” she said, fist stabbing upwards. Adora’s eyes were bright with reverence. 

Something in Catra came alive at the admiration, at the sparkling delight, in those eyes. She wanted to be looked at like that forever.

Glimmer sighed theatrically from behind her. “Do you know how much work you volunteered us for?”

“I don’t know. I think it’s kind of cool,” Catra said, a little embarrassed. She assumed Glimmer was referring to all the planning needed for any sort of education initiative. 

“It’s going to be ridiculous, preparing for the attack and this too!” Glimmer froze, then looked over at Catra. “Are you… I mean, no pressure. We totally get it if you don’t want…” 

Catra smirked at her. “I assume you are trying to ask if I’m going to be sitting out this next battle, too?”

Glimmer nodded with a relieved grin. 

Catra glanced sidelong at Adora, who had frozen with a half pleading look on her face. 

“Yeah, I’m coming,” she said it casually, but her heart was racing. 

This was for real. She didn’t know when it happened, but she had really joined the rebellion. She doesn’t know how Scorpia feels, and Entrapta was her whole own thing. She would have to talk to them.

“I can’t speak for Scorpia or Entrapta, I’ll ask and let you know. But as for me, I’ll fight.”

* * *

“I’m sure you’ve heard the news,” Catra said, sitting cross legged on a stool in Scorpia’s room. “An attack is probably coming, sounds like they're leaning towards setting a trap at the most probably attack location.”

“Like, a full scale battle?” Scorpia asked, looking worried.

“Nah, looks more like a probe. Pretty large scale though.”

Scorpia rested her head on a claw.

“What do you think?” Catra tilted her head. “I wouldn’t blame you for wanting to sit this out.”

“Are you going?” Scorpia asked, with dread on her face.

“Yeah.” She won’t pretend not to be afraid, but she won’t lie either.

Catra reached out to lay a hand on Scorpia’s arm. Such a loyal person shouldn’t have been born in the middle of this war, all caught up in a conflict she never would have chosen. What a shitty situation.

“I don’t want to fight the Horde, but I don’t want my friends here to get hurt either, not while I’m sitting around in Brightmoon.”

“That’s a pickle. There’s gotta be another way you can help, I’ll ask around. We’ll figure it out.” Catra said, uncrossing her legs and standing. 

“If you’re going, I’m going,” Scorpia said, resolved at last, jaw clenching.

“We’ll figure it out,” Catra repeated, standing in the doorway. And she would, fuck if she wouldn’t.

* * *

“Hey, Bow,” Glimmer asked, kicking her feet in the air from her spot on the ground.

“Yeah?”

“I’m glad Catra is getting more involved in stuff. But I keep noticing, well. Catra and Adora, that whole thing is weird, right?”

If they had not known each other for almost their entire lives, that question would not have made any sense. An encyclopedia could be written cataloging the various ways that Adora and Catra were strange, both together and separately.

Bow knew what she was getting at almost immediately.

“You mean how they kind of seem, married?” he searched for the right word. “Sort of. Not quite like that, but definitely  _ like that _ .”

“Oh thank goodness. I thought I was imagining it.”

“Nope, definitely not. The whole, always knowing where the other is, mad at each other but never actually mad, worrying from across the room thing? That’s not even counting the we’ll just use one bedroom thing.”

“They have to know. Right?” Glimmer asked.

Bow looked at Glimmer. Glimmer looked at Bow.

* * *

Catra ended the day exhausted but almost vibrating with tension. Her mind wouldn’t rest, still thinking about Scorpia, about the rebellion, and about Adora. She couldn’t help it, thinking about the look in Adora’s eyes, but also about what that devotion meant.

How sure was she? She needed to be positive that this was the fight she was picking, for the rest of her life. It felt like flinging herself off a cliff she had hovered at the edge of for months. Though, it wasn’t like there was any going back. Not for her. For better or worse, Adora was at the center of her life.

But did she feel the same way? What did Adora even want from her?

Adora liked having her around, of course, as part of the team. She liked having her close. She liked affection, but she couldn’t sense how deeply that ran. For her part, Catra had come to understand what she wanted. 

She wanted a true partner. The two of them against the world, what it used to be but grown up and encompassing all that they had become and would strive to be. A team, from the beginning of the day to the end of it. Love, real love. Trust, all the shit they never got to have but had heard about and read about and barely dared to dream of.

She wasn’t sure when she’d have the courage to ask Adora that question. Sometimes, it seemed like Adora might feel the same. Then the moment would pass, and she’d be as oblivious as ever.

She really knew how to pick em, didn’t she? Win a war, navigate a deeply fraught and emotionally dense relationship, get her own head on straight; just a few small, easy tasks.

* * *

She shut the door behind her with a quiet click. Adora was waiting on the bed, laying on top of the covers with a book propped on her chest.

At the sight of her, Adora sat up smiling softly, so soft Catra felt a pang in her chest. She opened her mouth, like she was trying to say something, then closed it again.

“You really think we can do this?”

Catra froze. For a split second, she thought Adora meant their relationship, mind still dwelling on her thoughts from earlier. Then she caught up, realized she meant their prospects against the Horde.

“Yeah. I do,” Catra said, her tone just as plain and true as Adora’s, for once.

“And you… you really want to do it? With me?” Uncertainty had crept in on Adora now, her voice nearly wobbling.

Catra strode across the room in a handful of steps to sit next to Adora at the edge of the bed. Not touching, but so close they could tilt in just an inch and be joined shoulder to hip. 

“Adora, of course I do,” she tried not to let the words mean too much, but couldn’t stop herself. There was very little she wouldn’t willingly do if it meant she would be side by side with Adora.

“But I don't want you to regret anything. It's okay if you want to stay neutral.”

Catra couldn’t help it. She turned in to Adora’s side, sliding down to bury herself against the other girl’s ribs. What a stupid, selfless idiot. It only took a second for Adora’s arms to come up around her.

“It’s you and me. No matter what.” Adora’s voice was muffled from above her.

“You promise?” Catra said, her voice low and hesitant, chagrined, but with a humor that could not help but laugh at its own folly. She was almost joking, except for how the words seemed to burn in her chest. She couldn’t believe she had walked headlong into this, repeating the same stupidity over and over. She wanted to swear at herself, or bury herself even deeper into the bed until she couldn't hear whatever dumb sentiment was going to escape next. She couldn't bring herself to. Maybe this was just her fate, inescapable as the tides. Coming back to that moment, coming back to this same question, over and over. Repeating it, until they managed to get it right.

The words should have felt dangerous, cursed somehow, but it felt safer than it should have. It was like they had learned to start something new, like enough had changed that they could make it right.

Adora grinned down at her, a shy broken slash. 

“I promise. I love you, Catra. That is never going to change,” her voice was soft but firm with determination. There was no hesitation in her.

Catra’s heart dropped into her stomach. She had been fighting so hard against those words, and Adora made it seem so easy. 

Her throat got tight and dry.  “I love you too.” 

Adora ran her fingers along Catra’s jaw, then let them roam up to her hairline to toy with the fine strands at her temples.

Her heart pounded, she felt like she was burning up. The sensation of fingers against her scalp made her shiver, an electric jolt that went through her like a blown transformer. What was this? Adora couldn’t possibly think this was normal friendship, but between the two of them nothing had ever been typical. 

“I don’t care where this path leads as long as you're with me.” 

It didn’t matter. Or, it mattered a lot less than this, than the bond that tied them together underneath everything and anything else.

“I’ll be there. Every step of the way.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on [tumblr](http://ladyptarmigan.tumblr.com/), come visit!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops sorry, just a day late this time. Lol. I was too tired to finish editing and then slept through like all the hours I would have posted during. But hey, one day late isn't bad at all! Hope you all enjoy :D

* * *

When they made their way to breakfast the next morning, Adora was practically bursting with excitement. She dragged Catra down the hall by the hand and refused to release it even as they grabbed plates and sat down at the table. It was a little difficult to maneuver. By the time they were fully seated Catra was blushing a fairly dramatic red, her embarrassment poorly masked by a scowl. 

Bow and Glimmer were already sitting, and had watched the whole tableau with curious looks on their faces. 

“What’s this about?” Bow said, a bald request for his friends to dish made comical by an exaggerated eyebrow raise.

“Catra and I talked, really talked. We are going to walk the same path together, no matter what happens,” Adora said, as serious and earnest as the sun dawning in the east.

Glimmer and Bow met one another’s eyes with a little grin. They knew how Adora had been struggling, and shared her relief that she and Catra were in a better place. They also asked each other, with the telepathy of long friendship: a relationship place? All while hiding their sly glances behind bites of food.

“I'm glad you guys worked it out,” Bow said, deciding to be the one to take the hit if they got mad at someone prying. 

“Yeah, it's so good to have my best friend back,” Adora responded with a bright smile.

Her… friend? Glimmer and Bow looked at each other. Their eyes spoke once again: oh no. 

“Your… you guys are friends, bestest of besties, best buddies?” Glimmer asked, head tilting to the side.

“Yeah, of course!” Adora exclaimed proudly.

“Not… together?”

“Well, yeah, of course we're together, we're together right now!” Adora said, waving their joined hands. 

Bow and Glimmer look at each other again, horrified. Their joint gaze tripped upon Catra, who also looked horrified. They repeated their last, alarmed communication: _ oh no_.

“That's great, we're so happy for you guys but I just remembered something gotta go see ya!” Glimmer said, a jumbled rush, as she grabbed Bow’s shoulder and teleported away.

* * *

When Glimmer and Bow reappeared in the corridor outside the mess hall, they took a moment to breathe deeply and look at each other in silence. 

“Okay. I'm just gonna say it,” Bow made the grave sacrifice. “Do they… not know about relationships?”

“You saw the look on Catra's face! There's no way she doesn't know what's up. And Adora knows about dating, she understood about prom, right?” she said to herself, hand to her forehead. Then she remembered Adora’s habit of just going along with things even if she had no idea what they meant. “You have got to be kidding me.”

“She's seen people in relationships, but has Adora ever actually seemed to understand romance in terms of… herself?” Bow asked tentatively.

Glimmer responded to this eminently reasonable question by stomping her foot. Her mind raced, a bit frantic, before setting on one clear, immovable resolution. She could not, she would not, she absolutely refused to give ‘the talk’ to Adora and Catra. Of all people. 

She felt overcome by an urge she hadn't felt in a long, long time. It was shameful. It was weak. But just this once, Glimmer wasn't gonna fight it. She teleported again, getting ready for a good shout.

“MOM!”

* * *

“I wonder what this meeting is about?” Adora asked, tugging at the sleeves of her horde jacket with a mix of nerves and eagerness.

Catra just shrugged. She had a bad feeling, not that she was going to reveal that to Adora.

They shouldered their way through the door into the throne room. Catra’s instincts alarmed even more strongly when she found the chamber devoid of the normal contingent of guards; her tail twitched, her ears flicked back. She looked over at Adora, only to find her friend wholly oblivious. This was bad.

They approached, Adora giving a neat salute.

“There is… something I'd like to talk to you two about,” Queen Angella said, sounding uncharacteristically hesitant. 

“Yeah?” Catra replied, a chill running down her spine.

“The Horde’s education system was detailed on a broad spectrum of topics, but it seems to have been spotty in other… areas,” Queen Angella almost winced before stopping herself.

They watched her silently, not sure what she was referring to.

“It’s been good seeing you both make friends, of course. But neither of you has expressed interest in relationships, beyond that.”

“What?” Adora exclaimed, still confused.

Catra was not confused. Catra knew where this conversation was going. She, very firmly, did not want to hear any of the words that were soon to come out of the Queen's mouth. Was there still time to run away?

“Romantic relationships. Dating.” Queen Angella prodded gently.

Adora looked around the room, as if the Queen could be referring to someone else.

“I want you to understand that your happiness is important to us, and that we will support… whatever it is that makes you happy, regardless of who or what it is, or of any military concerns.”

“Is this… is this a sex thing?” Catra asked. 

Adora looked over to her, horrified.

“I know about sex, okay. I lived in the wilderness for months! I know how you get… baby animals.” Catra crossed her arms, quite firmly wanting to end this whole conversation. And yet, as she saw the look on Adora’s face, she had to wonder.

“That is not my main concern, though I do have to make sure,” Queen Angella stopped to take a deep breath. “I’m assuming the Horde did discuss, pregnancy prevention?”

Catra just nodded, frantically. Maybe someone would come by and murder them. If Hordak killed her right now she would thank him.

“Alright, then,” she said with a nod. “Just know, it’s clear how much you mean to each other. We, I, wanted to make certain that… whatever relationship is between the two of you, is of your own choosing, and not based on your perception of what we would or would not approve of. And that you know that, if you ever needed any advice, or just to talk, I’ll always be available to you.”

_ Fuck_. Why couldn’t Queen Angella be an evil, backstabbing villain instead? She would have loved to be stabbed at this meeting. She doesn’t even dare look at Adora. She stared at her feet instead, taking in the details of her shoes. Her courage would come back in a moment, she was sure. Because, despite herself, she found she was very curious what Adora’s reaction to all this was.

As it turned out, Adora picked up on her frantic running away strategy from earlier. “T-thanks for all the great info, just gonna go… think about all that… uh, bye,” she stuttered out, before all but sprinting out the doors.

Catra stood there, eyes narrowed in thought. She was half scared to death, but also very very curious. 

“Is she going to be alright?” Queen Angella asked kindly, after a long moment.

“Oh yeah,” she nodded, absentminded. “She's just gotta freak out, punch some stuff.”

“Are _ you _ going to be alright?”

Her tail twitched, behind her. “I suppose.” 

“Do you have something else you need to ask?” she asked, looking down at her with concern.

Catra looked up, at that. She couldn’t help it, she was impressed. Not many people would have the stones to voluntarily continue a conversation that awkward. That woman was made of very stern stuff. 

“Ah,” she said, as thought occurred to her. “I think you might need to talk to Scorpia, too.”

There was no response to that particular suggestion. Queen Angella’s face was frozen in a blank, fathomless stare. 

She almost laughed. It seemed even immortal rulers had limits. 

“I don’t think she has any idea. I mean, she knows relationships exist obviously. She's had crushes and stuff. But I don’t think she realizes that people might think of her like that? Or that she could, ah, she’s just so friendly, and touchy… I don’t want her giving people the wrong idea. Or… the right idea?” Catra tilted her head before crossing her arms with a firm shake. “An idea other than what she intends,” she bit out. This was very hard. 

Queen Angela nodded with a sigh. “Very well.” 

Damn. Catra was wretchedly embarrassed that this conversation had happened in the first place, nervous about what Adora was going to think of it, and annoyed that she missed something so fucking obvious. I mean, she knew what she felt. She just had never considered, well, if Adora even understood. She’d thought… well, it didn’t matter.

Catra was also impressed. She turned to leave, but stopped mid motion, looking up at the Queen out of the corner of her eye. 

She couldn’t help but respect that kind of nerve. She grinned and snapped off a jaunty, informal salute. 

* * *

Catra gave Adora the rest of the day alone to brood. But when night fell, she decided she had to at least check in and see if Adora wanted to talk before going somewhere else to sleep.

She stood outside the door to Adora’s room (to _ their _ room) for far longer than she’d admit, in a state of extreme anxiety. She barely knew what she thought about— all that. She couldn’t even imagine what Adora had thought of it. Should she knock first? It wasn’t like she could blame Adora if she needed more time alone to think. What if she wanted to talk, though?

The thought of that almost gave her a coronary. This whole thing was Glimmer’s fault, and she was going to murder her at the first possible opportunity. Then, traitorously, her mind whispered back: not if this works out for you, you won’t.

Eventually she got sick of standing in the hallway, and decided to just go in and face the music. She opened the door a crack and slipped inside, almost creeping across the room.

Her first sight of the bed stopped her in her tracks.

Adora was curled up under the covers. All of her. She’d jammed the blankets up over her head and trapped herself fully underneath.

Well. That was one way to hide from your problems. Catra almost had to stop herself from laughing. Poor Adora. Talk about overloaded. 

She crept next to the bed prodding at Adora’s head with a single finger. “Hey. I’ll leave you be, I’m sure you need time to think. I just wanted to make sure you didn’t want to talk, or need something.”

The lump under the blankets shifted.

“I'm sorry. I'm… such a dummy,” the voice was quiet and gutted.

“It's okay,” Catra answered her, just as soft but so gentle she barely sounded like herself.

She leaned down to press an echo of a kiss to the blanket where her forehead would be, heart full of something just barely contained within the limits of her chest. That was her precious, stupid hero, the girl who had shown her what trust and love were. Who had been mystified by the idea that an organization called ‘the evil horde’ and a woman named Shadow Weaver were in fact evil, who just kept believing in her best friend no matter how lost she seemed.

This girl was the light that had guided her way, always. Even when she hadn’t deserved it. 

Catra stepped back, straightening. But as she turned to leave, a hand from under the covers darted out to grab her wrist. She turned back to the bed, a questioning look on her face

Adora’s head popped out as she sat up slightly and pulled the covers back. Blue eyes met hers, tentative and scared but with a hint of steely determination that made Catra sigh in relief. If she looked like that, she’d be okay in the end, even if they were both freaking out.

“Come on,” Adora ground out, voice a little raspy, but peculiarly seeming to gain confidence as time went by. She pulled back the blankets further and scootched to the side, patting the spot next to her.

The spot next to her, where she had made room for her, in the bed? Catra’s heart leapt into her throat, and all of a sudden she was the one who wanted to curl up and die in a dark corner somewhere. She couldn’t mean…?

As the moment stretched longer and longer, it became clear that she, in fact, did mean that. Following close behind was the implication that Adora might, possibly, want _ her_. The impossibility of it crashed in on her with a jaunty thud. She _ couldn’t_. Panic was closing in on her like a shark at sea. Before she could lose it completely, she dove under the covers. Lying flat, stiff as a board, she shuddered nervously next to Adora, who pulled the blankets over them with a shell shocked but persistent air. 

Were they supposed to be able to sleep like this? How did anyone do this?

Catra forced herself to breathe slowly. There was no way she wanted Adora to be able to tell what a wreck she was. She could feel the way they were avoiding looking at each other, or speaking. She felt like she should say something. The only thing she could think of was ‘let’s kill Glimmer’.

“Let’s kill Glimmer.” The words were out before she could stop them. She felt like she was having a nervous breakdown.

“What?” Adora’s voice was groggy and confused. “Oh,” followed behind that a few moments later as she put the pieces together. “Okay, yes.”

Catra was laughing before she could stop herself. Luckily, Adora followed close behind, chuckling hard enough to jostle the blankets in time with her bucking shoulders. Their sides brushed, warm and electric. 

Adora turned towards her, so she was laying on her side. She was still laughing a little as she draped an arm across Catra’s midsection and pulled her close. The motion was almost routine, like an unconscious habit she’d just never had the chance to implement, as immediately afterwards her eyes shut and she fell into a peaceful looking sleep.

Lying frozen solid in the darkness, Catra was not so lucky. The pleasant weight of Adora’s arm across her stomach felt like a boulder, and her heart raced. This was not exactly what she expected from ‘snuggling’, at least from what she’d heard. This was stressful. Fucking Adora, falling comatose a few hours after having her whole world turned on its axis.

As time passed, warmth and darkness worked it’s magic, and the world blurred into dreaming.

* * *

She woke up on her side, numb from the hip down, and with her nose tucked into the underside of a pale clavicle. She’d rolled in the night, closer to Adora, and wound up with her own arm trapped awkwardly between them. It wasn’t even comfortable, she didn’t know how she’d kept sleeping in that position. 

She did know. Her heart clenched, desperate and stuttering. Curled up under the covers with Adora, _ with Adora_, she’d never felt like this, never. It was warm and overwhelming and perfect, despite how half her limbs pricked with discomfort. Their knees were slotted together, she could feel Adora nuzzling into her hair and the soft breathing tickling her ear. People did this every day, and she could hardly imagine it. Safe and content with a person who cared about you, who liked you better than anyone else. She hadn’t dared even imagine it.

Slowly, gingerly, she twisted onto her back. The blood rushed to her compressed limbs with a scorching pulse of pain, but as if from far away. She wanted to rub her leg to help sensation come back, but didn’t want to wake Adora.

When she looked up, she found she had anyway. Adora was watching her with half-lidded eyes, a strange expression on her face.

Those charming sky blues studied her like she was an important exam, narrowing with concentration as she lifted a hand to Catra’s cheek. The soft touch of those fingertips made her almost jump out of her skin, it was so intense. She couldn’t help but lean closer, nuzzling into the hand as her eyes fluttered shut.

Adora bent closer to rest their foreheads together, breathing a little fast. Her other hand came up to rest on Catra’s shoulder.

For her own part, all thoughts had been dashed from her head against the rocks of insane hope and had fallen into the ocean of wracking, desperate fear. She couldn’t possibly figure out what Adora was thinking. Apart from the obvious, but that couldn’t, she couldn’t be thinking of…?

Her denial was interrupted by a bright sunburst of pain as Adora’s nose banged into hers. Catra’s eyes flew open in time to see Adora adjust her angle to place a light, chaste kiss against her lips. The contact felt like lightning racing through her veins, tingling and warm. 

_ Fuck_. 

There was no way, the last thing she ever expected was for Adora to want her back. She couldn’t bear the pressure from the hope flooding her, heart beating hard in her chest. She had to ask, she needed to know. 

“You don’t normally think about things that quickly,” Catra rasped, resting an index finger against Adora’s nose. 

“It’s not like I’m going to get any more clueless,” she said, chagrined and half smiling, nudging against Catra’s finger.

Catra’s eyebrows went up. That was a surprisingly valid point. 

“I mean… I definitely don’t,” she said, struggling against every word. “I don’t feel the same way about you as I do my other friends. But I can’t tell if it’s because we’ve known each other so much longer, or if it’s…” she paused, looking down. “I can’t… there’s no way I’m going to figure it out.”

She gave a shy little shrug. “So I figured… maybe we’ll just try? And see, and… talk about it? If that’s… if that’s okay with you.”

“Uh,” Catra froze with a high pitched croak. “That sounds okay.” 

That sounded very very okay.

* * *

They antagonized Glimmer for the entire morning. Water was dumped down on her from above as she left her room, her chair at breakfast was mysteriously covered in horrible goo, she tripped and fell down the stairs and had to teleport to the bottom; a whole array of strange, well-coordinated misfortune.

She took it in huffy but good natured stride, rolling her eyes and cursing ineffectually.

They lost heart for it by lunchtime. It wasn’t any fun when she didn’t even get mad at them.

When the whole meal passed uneventfully, she glared at them with her chin resting in her palm. “What, no more pranks?”

“For now,” Catra said with a lazy tail flick. “I reserve the right to future, continued revenge.”

“Fair,” Glimmer said with a grin.

“It _ is _fair,” she drawled.

“I’m not disagreeing! I have met my mother, you know.”

Adora just laughed from the sidelines, mouth full of potato. When she got up to get more food, Glimmer gave her a look so pointed she could have used it as a weapon.

“Well?” she mock whispered behind a cupped hand. “Any progress with miss tall, blonde, and dense?”

“Not a chance, princess loose lips,” Catra made a dramatic x with her arms. Then, a little grin crept out as she looked off to the side. She was too fucking happy, this should be illegal. It was ruining her whole imagine. “But. Well, thanks. And fuck you. Both of those things.”

Glimmer was smart enough to hide her ecstatic grin when they heard Adora coming back.

* * *

They decided to head to the training grounds, after. As they walked past the throne room, they heard a faint echo of a conversation happening between two people, both voices almost recognizable.

They couldn’t make out any words, until one speaker got significantly louder.

“Wait… fraternization is allowed?” Scorpia’s voice rang, even in the corridor outside.

“Walk faster,” Catra said, recovering after being briefly frozen in horror. “Walk faster everyone.”

* * *

Glimmer leapt up to hug her Mom, arms wrapping around the slender neck so tight it looked like an affectionate choke attack. The elegant Queen let out a peel of surprised laughter, getting one arm around her daughter before she dropped to the ground again.

“I’m really, really sorry!” Glimmer said, smiling. “But also, oh my gosh thank you.”

“No apology necessary, especially if you think I’ve done some good. I’m happy to help however I can. I know those kids have had little by way of positive adult guidance, but it’s been difficult to figure out what support they will accept, other than just as a safe, stable figure.”

“Yeah, for sure. Sometimes it seems like Catra and Adora share half of one set of coping skills, between them. It’s really been something, seeing them together. Adora makes a lot more sense now.”

“It is a terrible crime, to raise children in such a way,” Angella tapped a finger on her chair, looking distant. “So dangerous on the battlefield, but without the skills that let you build close bonds with others. That Adora and the rest manage as well as they have is commendable.”

“They’ve had some good help,” Glimmer ran a hand through her wild hair, grinning at her Mom. 

“True enough. Hopefully, next time they will need assistance with something more within my core competencies. Tax accounting, perhaps.”

Glimmer laughed. “I bet you haven’t had to worry about this much teen angst in a long, long time.” 

Queen Angella chuckled back, disguising her smile behind a cupped hand. “To be honest, it isn’t unpleasant. My days used to be wholly concerned with mitigating the horde threat and proper management of these lands. Now…” she trailed off with a grin. 

Glimmer picked up the cue, raising her arms theatrically “Catra dropped a lighting fixture on a castle guard! Fight in the hallway leads to corridor shutdown! Falling into romance but you don’t know how to talk about feelings!” 

“Yes, exactly. How do they seem to you?”

“Struggling, but better. I think. It’s hard to say, since I can’t actually ask. It’s hard to tell if Catra actually likes me, sometimes.” 

“I suspect you'd be surprised,” Angella said with a quirk of her brow. “You’ve seemed a little off, yourself. Is there anything you would like to talk about? You can’t focus so much on others you forget your own needs.” 

“I don’t know,” Glimmer said, tugging at her bangs. “With the attack coming, and everything else I’m working on, I feel so busy but also kind of, adrift? I’m sure it’ll pass.”

“You know I’m here if you need me.”

Glimmer did know. And now she knew, more than ever, just how much that mattered. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I reblog lots of nerdy quotes and fandom stuff on [tumblr](http://ladyptarmigan.tumblr.com/), come visit! I just finished The Outer Worlds, which was so so fun. Also am getting a little obsessed with Janai and Amaya from tdp???? Elf hotties are my kryptonite lolol.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry again!!!! I should know better than to underestimate my schedule in December. End of the year is hell in hospital land. Everyone has the flu, and everyone is trying to use their PTO. I had like 1 day off in almost two weeks at one point. But I'm finally free!!! For like 2 days lol. I hope everyone is having a stellar holiday so far!

* * *

  
They were supposed to be discussing strategy for the coming attack and running through some practice scenarios. Instead, they were standing around the training ground, leaning against the trees, staring off into the distance. The plan for the battle was to move to a good defensive position in a few days, one closer to the border so they could respond quickly when the Horde crossed over. The plan for today was to practice that, in some fashion. It was not going well, to put it mildly.

Unlike normal, where Catra was the one causing disruption and derailing planning, today the culprit was Glimmer. Of all people. She kept pacing, flinging knives into a tree, and walking off. Mixed in with this routine was a spectrum of huffing, growling and stomping. Bow had given up on trying to cheer her up and moved off to the side, practicing his target shooting with focused attention. Adora had already run off in frustration. Running being literal in this case, as she had decided on doing some jogging as endurance practice.

Obviously, Catra wasn’t having anything to do with that nonsense. Plus, it left her free for what was, perhaps, a more important job.

“If you make me ask you ‘oooh noooo what’s wrong Glimmer???’ I’m going to be seriously pissed,” Catra said from the ground where she lounged against a tree.

“Don’t tell me _you _are getting all concerned on me,” she said, arm still mid throw.

Catra just sat and stared at her.

Glimmer scowled, turned away, started to walk, went in a circle, then sat with a tremendous huff. “It’s just that… because of you and Adora, it feels like we might really win.”

“Yeah? And?” Catra said, shrugging with a well perfected ‘and the problem is?’ face.

“Now that you’re some kind of genius strategist and Adora is the rebellion’s heroic commander, I’m feeling sort of useless.”

Catra was surprised, despite herself. She hadn’t actually expected anyone to voluntarily confide in her_,_ of all people. She was a little touched, honestly. It made her feel just charitable enough to give her a real response.

“It wouldn’t work without you, moron,” Catra said, refusing to make eye contact. “No one would listen to just me, and they wouldn’t have followed Adora either if it wasn’t for you. She leads the rebellion as a fighter, as a... symbol. I mean come on, anyone would go with Adora into battle. That doesn’t mean they’d join her _political movement_.”

Glimmer had to giggle at that, nodding to acknowledge the point.

“You are the one they trust as a ruler. They’ll fight with She-Ra, but they’ll follow you. If it works, it’s the combination of us all together.”

Bow let out a happy noise, grinning at her. “Wow, Catra!”

_Shit, _she muttered internally. She really hadn’t thought he was listening. The last thing she needed was Bow overhearing her saying something sentimental. She tried to cut off any soppy speech before it even started. “Ugh, don’t tell me it’s the power of friendship,” she said, trying to inject maximal disdain into her tone.

“That’s what you just said!” he said with a bright smile.

Glimmer leapt over with a laugh. “This conversation is over, how about we try to discuss something useful for the coming battle?”

“Actually, I was planning on asking something,” she said, trying to solidify the topic change. “Scorpia won’t stay behind while people she cares about fight, but she doesn’t really want to hurt people in the Horde either. Is there anything you can think of, that might work for her?”

Glimmer squinted, tapping her jaw with a finger. “She could be a field medic? They give first aid and help evacuate people, it’s even acceptable to treat both sides.”

“That’s perfect,” Catra said with a rowdy laugh. “Scorpia will be the most terrifying medic in history. Watch out, you are being evacuated!”  
  


* * *

  
Scorpia was delighted by the idea. She wasn’t at all deterred when they had to move to a forward camp earlier than expected, and without providing her any training. She knew some basic first aid from the Horde, anyhow. They loaded her down with bandages and decided to let her loose. It would work itself out, probably.

The whole group sat around a campfire in the temporary encampment, surrounded by field tents and scattered equipment. They’d been planning for hours, trying to predict what the Horde was going to do. When night fell, they decided enough was enough and went to get some sleep. Some more voluntarily than others.

Adora attempted to get in some last minute training by sneaking off. Catra smirked and followed her, thinking: not a chance.

She stalked quietly through the underbrush until she found where Adora was running sword drills. She waited until Adora was mid swing, then sprung from a tree to knock the sword from her hands with a wild yell, “Boring!”

Adora lunged for her almost immediately with a wide grin, but Catra let momentum carry her into a roll and out of range.

“Hey, I am super cool,” she said as she lunged again.

“To who? The Plumerians?”

Adora leapt over a leg sweep from Catra, laughing. She twisted, pinning one of Catra’s legs between her own, ducking under an overhand slash. She dove down the arm, dropping to the ground and swinging around her torso into a picture perfect arm bar.

“Am I cool now?” she asked with a smirk.

Catra squirmed, laughing, “Not even a little.”

She let go of Catra’s arm, relaxing onto the ground. “I’m a little cool.”

“It’s alright. You have other good qualities,” Catra said, smirking.

“Oh do I?” Adora sat up, grinning.

She reached down to grab Catra’s shirtfront, pulling her up and into a lingering kiss. They both sat, breathless at it, amazed still. Gazing at each other, feeling foolish, eventually Catra couldn't help but break the atmosphere.

“Seems like you are figuring ‘stuff’ out,” she needled, making exaggerated finger quotes.

“Yeah,” she said, nodding seriously. “How come you seemed so comfortable with all of this?”

“It isn’t like…” she started, then abruptly stopped. _It isn’t like I had anything to figure out. There has only ever been you, for me._ She cursed at herself in shock, no way was something that sappy coming out of her mouth. “Ch. I’m not a moron like you,” she finished instead, softening it with another soft kiss.

“Oh no. Say what you were gonna say originally.”

Adora had gotten more perceptive, unfortunately. That was a changed she hadn’t expected, a strange side effect of their increased level of communication and some content, confident well she'd begun to tap as they settled in to their strange new relationship. She wanted to judge Adora for being sappy, but couldn't. She felt it too. It made a difference, that foundation of trust and support, knowing you would have enough to eat and mostly how the day would go, knowing someone would be there for you.

“No way,” she laughed, shoving her with an elbow.

Adora darted closer in a lighting fast movement, hooking her arms around Catra’s waist to hoist her over her own head.

“There’s a river not far from here. You’re going in unless you tell me,” she drawled playfully.

“Fuck, jeez. Fine,” she said, more casually than her nervous, racing heart would suggest. “I just... always sort of knew. That I cared more about you than I cared about anything else. When I saw normal people together, in the villages and stuff, and how they were with each other, I knew.”

Adora sat heavily, hefting Catra into her lap and winding her arms more tightly around her.

“I guess it’s sort of the same for me. I mean, all that courtship stuff. Meeting people, seeing who you like, and getting to know them, it always sounded so stupid to me. But I guess it was always just… who was I gonna meet, you know? What would I even be looking for? It wouldn’t, I mean, who would ever mean as much to me as you do?” she rambled, not looking at Catra, but letting her hands run gently up and down the other girl’s sides.

Catra felt those words down to her bones with a fierce shiver of pleasure.

“I’m liking this. I think you need to tell me more nice things,” Catra said, smile full of fang, hands fisting tightly in Adora’s jacket.  
  


* * *

  
The battle started early the next morning.

Adora stood, She-Ra in full, sword ready at her side, shoulders straight and tall. Her eyes looked out at the forest in front of them, where the Horde had started to move. Tense with restrained power, she waited patiently to strike where it would make the most impact with the keen tactical sense of someone raised for combat.

At her side, the rest of the group were uncommonly quiet; they held their own weapons at the ready as the crouched and waited for the word.

“I’m out. Good luck, gang,” Catra said with a smirk as she stood and stretched casually, arms pushing to the sky as her spine bent in a languid curve. Her extended claws glinted in the light that trickled through the trees.

Adora just nodded, serious and solemn but with a little smirk. “I see _that_ hasn’t changed.”

“What? She’s leaving?” Glimmer asked under her breath, but with an outraged look on her face.

“Oh, Catra lurks. She doesn’t run around punching people on the front lines. Just wait, she’ll be there when it counts.”

Glimmer looked back to where Catra had been standing, but she was already gone and somehow untraceable in the leaf and shrub cover of the forest. There hadn’t been a sound from her moving, or climbing, or whatever it was she’d done. That was something, for sure. Translating it to a battlefield was beyond her, though. What, was Catra going to drop down on people’s heads at random? Drift in and out to cut down the people around Adora? She couldn’t imagine it being as useful as actually fighting, but it wasn’t like she hadn’t been surprised before, by the pair of them.  
  


* * *

  
She was unlucky enough to get an example first hand.

The first part of the battle went quickly, their smaller but more agile group managing to split the main body of the Horde force. As it turned out, such an act played into their plans, or was a contingency they had prepared for. The two parts charged forward, angling for different targets. They were forced to split up themselves.

Glimmer moved to cut off the second group with Bow, Adora taking the first with a contingent of soldiers. Their fight spilled backwards towards the closest village, which they had thankfully already evacuated.

The fighting was heavy, but not so pitched she was concerned. But no mistake is too small to kill you, on the battlefield. Glimmer was tiring, let her attention lapse for a single moment, and got caught by a stun bolt projectile. She was in midair as she came out of a teleport, and it nailed her in the side. She came crashing to the ground, shoulder and hip jarring from the impact. She spasmed with pain, torn between tearing the prongs out of her clothing and trying to teleport away as delighted troopers closed in, one raising his weapon for a killshot.

Before she could break free, the man holding the rifle was dashed to the ground in a blur of red motion. She heard more than she saw it: a sharp, skittering crack and another thud of harsh impact.

It was only when the figure turned to dart at the next soldier that Glimmer recognized them as Catra. The hair was distinctive no matter how quick she was moving, a wild tangle of brown that whipped behind her, one step trailing the action like everyone else trying to match her. Before another breath passed, Catra sprung up towards the next most dangerous Horde trooper, a heavily armed and armored giant. Even through a haze of pain, Glimmer marveled at the look of vicious, destructive purpose on Catra’s face.

Her expression was pure snarl as she went at one of the giant’s legs, hooking another hand into his armor as he unbalanced and lifting herself fully off the ground to drive his head savagely through the wall of the hut beside him. He fell and didn’t get up.

Glimmer managed to rip the bolts off at last, sitting up and panting desperately. The whole encounter had taken maybe a minute.

She knew what a close call that had been, and was collecting herself to say a genuine thank you when Catra darted up a tree again, apparently deeming her sufficiently recovered.

That didn’t stop her from shouting down a parting quip, though. “Learn to watch your six, sparkles,” echoed down from the trees followed by a rough chuckle.

“Thanks, Catra,” she shouted as loud as her heaving lungs allowed, “Also, fuck you!”  
  


* * *

  
Their other close call was the last person they expected.

They thought the battle was over. Bow had seen a strange mounted cannon behind enemy lines when he was scouting up high in the trees, and they were arguing about what to do. The fact that the Horde hadn’t used it yet had made them more wary rather than less.

Was the village a target? Was it a trap?

They couldn’t agree. For her own part, Catra wanted to get out. Whatever it was wasn’t worth the risk, since there was no way they could navigate the cannon further into the forest without getting lost. Though it certainly would have been a vulnerability, to retreat with a weapon like that at their backs. She hadn’t argued against it as much as she normally would have.

The others wanted to get closer, so closer they went.

“I still think this is stupid,” she muttered as they weaved carefully through the forest.  
  


* * *

  
What could go wrong, did.

Catra scouted ahead; she went too far, too fast. She was caught out of position, detected by the guard, and ensnared in potentially deadly crossfire. The rebellion was a machine of combat while outnumbered, and their recovery was as quick and precise as the honed edge of a knife. Glimmer teleported in with Adora, trying to extract her cleanly, and to work their position backwards. They half succeeded.

Adora cleared a path back, and they had almost joined up again when they saw the cannon start to charge. The thing was massive, almost the same size again as the tank it was mounted on. It didn’t need a direct hit, even fire in their general direction would be a crisis.

Catra saw a chance and took it, to destroy the weapon for good. There wasn’t time to discuss it. She darted out in front of a heavy weapons crew riding a transport and feinted them into missile fire that she could manipulate towards the cannon.

It worked, sniping the base of the cannon off to one side and blowing obviously catastrophic damage through the machinery.

Unfortunately, the shot that was already charged didn’t get the memo.

The operator swung around, towards _her_, as the blast crackled dysfunctionally and fired— one last piece of revenge before it's destruction.

There was no time to get clear. She heard a desperate shout as her vision whited out, the halo of frenetic energy blotting out her surroundings. Then, all of a sudden, she felt an arm bracketing her shoulders. She looked up in time to get a flash of She-Ra’s tall, bright frame, sword angled against her back to attempt a deflection. The air in her lungs turned cold as a frozen winter morning, burning against the confines of her chest, mind blank except a litany of ‘no’, repeated endlessly.

Adora tried to lean in to the blast, redirect it just enough to pass them.

She half succeeded.

The trajectory changed just enough to miss center mass. It did, however, land solidly against her upturned shoulder, blasting her solidly into a stomach churning spin and against a tree with a frightening thud. Adora’s yelp of pain made Catra so nauseous her vision went grey at the edges, like she had been blasted a second time. She couldn’t move, could hardly even think.

She barely processed it as Glimmer snagged both of them and teleported away.  
  


* * *

  
They stumbled back to Brightmoon, Adora’s shoulder a mass of bandages courtesy of Scorpia. It was bloody, strained, and mostly immobile but the damage would not be permanent. At least as far as they could tell from a shallow inspection. Adora could still move it, and feel it. She'd healed from worse. The knowledge did not offer Catra a particular sense of comfort.

Glimmer skittered towards the throne room, almost twitching at the waiting unpleasantness in the conversation that was soon to occur.

“Hey, Mom!” she waved with unconvincingly forced cheer.

The Queen narrowed her eyes, freezing as she took in the almost drooping countenance of the young rebels. She sat up straighter as she took a slow, harsh breath.

“What, exactly, happened here?” she said, voice deathly flat.

“Well, the mission was a success. We just ran into a few problems. Really, sort of one problem.”

Queen Angella did not grace that particular ramble with a response. Her eyes kept flicking back to Adora, whose bandages had started to bleed through again.

“We won the battle, no problem. The Horde had some crazy new weapon, a big cannon thing. We decided to try and take it out, but there was a little… incident.”

“I expect that sort of incident from you, Glimmer,” Angella bit out. “But Adora, how could you be so reckless?” Worry and frustration warred in her tone.

“Sorry, I just…” Adora croaked out, then stopped. “I—” She went stiff, eyes looking past the throne into nothing, a rigid, dissociative silence coming over her.

“Shut up.” Something in Catra snapped, went harsh and frantic at the sight of Adora looking like that. “Easy to judge from there in your comfy chair, isn't it. What we do isn't any of your fucking business.”

“Not my business?” Queen Angella flared up indignantly. Her mouth opened again to say something more, then she stopped. Her lips pursed, confused, as she sensed something off in the angry outburst.

“We'll let you know the next time we want a lecture,” Catra continued, fangs bared and tail lashing.

“What is this about?” Angella said, gentling, looking from Catra back to Adora. The disconnection of the response from the situation was drastic enough that she had caught up, could feel the intent was to peel her attention from Adora rather than a legitimate response.

Adora seemed to notice at the same time. Her head jerked up, good arm reaching out to try and snag Catra’s hand. “Catra, it's okay.”

She stepped forward, out of reach. “Buzz off,” she half hissed. It was unclear who exactly the dismissal was directed towards.

A moment later she was disappearing through a door and down the hall.  
  


* * *

  
It took Glimmer almost an hour to find her. She teleported up into the rafters she’d wedged herself on top of. Catra hissed as pink hair winked into existence next to her, Glimmer already wearing a conciliatory smile.

“Can you please come down?” she asked, sighing. When that got no reply, she continued. “Come on Catra, she isn’t mad. Trust me for like one minute, here?”

Catra gave an extremely stiff nod. She had no wish to go down there, but even less desire to keep stewing in anticipatory fear. She would rather have it over with, whatever was coming.

Taking her forearm carefully, Glimmer teleported them both down. Queen Angella was waiting below, stoic and calm. Catra knew her jaw was hard as a rock and that her tail was puffed out aggressively behind her, twitching. And that she was glaring. She may as well have been wading into the middle of another army. She bit down everything that wasn't anger, stomach rolling with the force of what she was holding at bay.

“For goodness sake. I just wanted to apologize,” the Queen said, exasperated but firm. “I was unnecessarily harsh. I already spoke to Adora, I only wished to ensure she would be more careful in the future.”

That was certainly not the way she had expected this conversation to go. She’d freaked out, she knew it. She was keyed up from the battle, and worried about Adora, it had all just spilled over. A part of her was still twisting with embarrassment, trying to hide and wait out the inevitable consequences of such an outburst.

Of course, they’d come here worried about _her _instead.

“No. It… wasn't your fault,” Catra said, oddly distant. She felt like she was speaking from a long ways off.

“What do you mean?”

“On the battlefield. It was my fault.” Catra looked away.

Angella just waited, letting the silence fill the hall. She had learned to wait out the quiet, when she could tell one of them had more they meant to say. Or more they needed to say.

“Shadow Weaver fucked up Adora’s wrist, once. I was angry about something, skipped a whole day of examinations. She said she was tired of my insubordination, and that… and she just…” Catra swallowed. She could still remember the sound, the sharp crackle of magic, the blank mask and expressionless voice.

“She did _what_?” Queen Angella’s voice was cold and upset. It was the closest thing to an emotional outburst she’d ever heard from the woman.

“For training purposes, of course. Apparently, Adora needed to learn to use her left arm as well as her right. It’s worse, when it’s her. It just…” she trailed off with a shrug.

Angella visibly regained control of herself, the line of her shoulders softening. Her expression morphed into gentle warmth with concerted effort.

“I'm sorry,” she said, with a conciliatory nod. “Next time I will express myself in a different manner. Perhaps I will write a strongly worded letter.”

Catra had to smile. Not just at the thought of receiving a disapproving letter as a post battle report from a sworn leader, from her commander, who could order her to do whatever she wanted and treat her however she wanted. She had to smile at the idea of being valued, and respected, and listened to; to realize how it had led her to give respect back, in turn. To return what she'd been given. She hadn’t known having a leader could be like that. A part of Catra knew, had known as soon as she’d left the room, that she had only panicked. She’d known Queen Angella was just upset, known that she wasn’t really going to do anything. And when Catra had behaved badly, and shouted and swore and ran off, she’d come to _her _and apologized. She hadn’t even known people in general could be like that, until she left the Horde and saw the world and came here. 

With a jolt, she remembered the demon winged projections of this woman the Horde had used as a motivator during training— the wide, malevolent grin they’d painted her with, how they had used her as a source of fear. Queen Angella. The frightening insurgent leader!

What a joke. She laughed despite herself, a rough chuckle that spiraled into full raucous laughter, leaving her doubled over with her arms wrapped around her stomach. She knew how crazy she must look, but the thought of it was just too funny; she hadn’t remembered those stupid posters in years. When she straightened, she saw Glimmer and the Queen staring at her with a great deal of concern.

“Heh, sorry,” she said with a crooked grin. “I just remembered about how the Horde used to put scary demon wings on you and tell us you ate people for breakfast. I gotta say, you really know how to strike fear into the heart of the common soldier.”

“I will take that as a compliment,” she said with a tilt of her head.

How surprising, to find that loyalty had settled deep in her chest without her notice. An abiding, strangely shaped fealty, to this woman and what she represented. To her patience and kindness, to the future she would build if she could, and to the daughter she would pass it down to. To all of them, here; to them and to the woman she loved. A place that she would fight and die to defend. There was no specific moment where she had changed, there was no decision made when some line had been crossed. There was just before, and now.

There was only Catra, somehow transformed, confident and strong and sure at last, even if it was only for this moment.  
  


* * *

  
When she felt settled again, she went back to check on Adora. Their room, she figured, would be the best bolthole.

Catra found her sitting on the bed, arms wrapped around her legs, face tense and blank. She could sense the turmoil in her, see how she was keeping her breathing slow by force of will alone. At least she had gotten her shoulder rebandaged. Even from across the room, she could tell it looked better. No matter how fast she always healed, receiving actual medical treatment was an advantage of joining the rebellion she didn’t intend they squander.

The sight of the injury didn’t throw her as much as she thought it might, the calm from earlier hadn’t left her. Despite all of it, She-Ra, the rebellion, Adora being hurt, she had somehow found a center in the middle of it all. She could see now, the way that Adora needed her. She had never understood before; she’d been too sacred Adora didn’t need her at all. There hadn’t been room for her to see the weak places Adora had, the way fear had crippled parts of her. Just like Adora hadn’t seen it in her, until it had all fallen apart.

She’d figured out how to live on her own, and learn from the people around her, and struggle through her problems. She had been forced to learn a lot of skills. Adora seemed more okay, from the outside, but she had hidden herself from some of the hard internal work that needed doing. There was space for Catra, in that.

She’d spent so long feeling excluded and left behind. Now, the role that belonged to her seem to stretch out in front of them, expanding into corners of herself she hadn’t even known were there.

She went forward to sit on the edge of the bed and reached down to wrap a hand around Adora’s ankle, tugging gently. That got her a halfhearted smile as Adora slowly unfolded, loosening her arms from around her thighs and stretching her legs out on the bed.

“What’s up, Adora? I’m okay, you’re okay. We’ve been in worse scrapes. Talk to me.”

Adora fiddled with the cuff of a sleeve without meeting her eyes. Catra grabbed the anxious hand, twining their fingers.

“You getting hurt? Me being in danger? Come on, blockhead,” she said with a real and patient softness, squeezing the hand entwined with hers.

“I just,” Adora sighed, leaning into her. “It’s happened before, it was just worse because it was you. You, my friends, you're all too important to me. I can’t let anything happen to you. I _can’t_,” she said, almost pleading.

“And?” Catra prodded.

Adora shook her head, looking agonized.

“I know that isn’t all.” She’d know this girl her entire life. She wouldn’t be this tense and broken up about just that. She was used to the risk of death.

“I’m supposed to be, selfless. I’m supposed to be… for the world,” Adora said, halfway to a forlorn wail, raspy with pain. “That’s what She-Ra means. What if I have to choose? I can’t do it.”

“You mean,” Catra said, connecting the dots with a rush of cold fear. “You mean if you had to choose between saving us, or the world.”

“Fear tore Mara apart. And the power of it, the purpose it’s meant for, sometimes I can feel it, like it’s going to swallow me whole. I’ve always told myself it’s okay to care about all of you, because that’s what keeps me balanced. But that means either way, I lose. Letting something happen to you, or Glimmer, or Bow? I’d, I’d…” she rambled, squeezing Catra’s hand tightly, inching towards hysteria.

“You don’t have to worry about that,” Catra said, flat and calm.

“What do you mean?” Adora looked up, confused, focusing all at once.

“Because I’m here.”

“Catra?”

“I’m not like you. Sure, I care about the planet or whatever. But it’s not…” she shrugged languidly. “I’m selfish. I’m always going to put myself ahead of that. So I’m also going to put you ahead of that. I won’t let you fall. I don’t care if it would save the whole fucking galaxy. I won’t lose you. And I won’t let you lose your stupid friends, either.”

Adora reached out to grab Catra’s other hand, blue eyes shiny with tears. She barely seemed to notice her injury, though the motion pulled at her shoulder just a little.

“Do you hear me? You do what you are meant to do, and I’ll always be standing beside you, ready to do what needs to be done,” Catra said fiercely, giving the hands in hers a rough shake.

Adora gaped, awestruck, breathing hard as she wiped the wetness from her cheek with her uninjured shoulder. She tugged at Catra’s hands, as if to pull her closer, but without specific purpose. She was looking at Catra like the entire world was sitting right in front of her, like her purpose had narrowed down to just the girl next to her on the bed.

Catra released Adora’s hands and reached across, pushing against Adora’s shoulders with gentle persistence. She prodded her down against the bed and inched forward herself until Catra was straddled on top of her, Adora lying flat beneath. Her face was red, breath coming in short gasps, as she looked up uncertain and amazed and lovely.

She took a moment, running clawed fingers against Adora’s sides, skimming her neck and cupping her jaw. The solidness of the contact slipped in under her ribs, the sure knowledge that this was _her girl_, that she had found her place at last. That all of this belonged to her, if she could keep it, if she could protect it.

And she would.  
  


* * *

  
That night they ate dinner together holding hands, and no one said a word. They went for a walk. They wandered the Whispering Woods, laughing under the trees, and after, when their feet were numb with cold and they were tired, they went home.  
  


* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's a wrap folks! Holy crap can't believe I managed to finish this. What a wild year long saga. I actually started planning and writing this real close to this time last year. I've grown so much as a writer and learned a ton, so thanks for going on this journey with me! To keep track of whatever my next project is gonna be (well it was a little Supercorp medusa!Lena long oneshot but whoops I think Janaya has taken over hahahahah) come see me on [tumblr](http://ladyptarmigan.tumblr.com/). Like I was not expecting this, but Janai and Amaya are both next level hotties and so so interesting???? Anyway I'm halfway through writing sort of a canon expansion four part ditty (holy crap writing from the POV of a deaf person is very difficult??? much learning).


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